WAKING up with a hangover the size of the French national debt, I reflect on the events of last Sunday, when my faith helped me enormously in my hour of need in a pub.
I was in a watering hole in Soho with a couple of fellow bishops when, to my astonishment, last orders were announced at 7.45pm. I demanded an explanation from the barman, who told me they were one of the small number of pubs that close at 8pm on Sunday, and, due to not serving food, staying open later was out of the question.
‘You are shitting my cock!’ I exclaimed. ‘Well, can’t you make us some fucking sandwiches or something? Don’t make me go to fucking Wetherspoons!’
‘Can’t be done, sir. It’s a religious thing,’ he said.
‘Religion, eh? Well, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury. I’m going to have a fucking word with God about this, that’s what I’m gonna do.’
Upon which I repaired to a quiet corner of the public house and affected to converse with the Almighty.
‘Right, I’ve just been onto God,’ I told the barman. ‘He says fuck your by-laws, it’s fine by him if we carry on having a drink. He also says he has no recollection of making a commandment that thou shalt not imbibe of a Sunday evening unless accompanied by a microwaved fucking lasagne.’
And so, the pub remained open. With a wry smile at the man’s folly, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Kemi Badenoch is calling for Keir Starmer to resign due to an online petition calling for an immediate general election.
Fuck the fossilised remains of Christ’s donkey, how old are you, fucking seven? Of course he’s not gonna resign, he’s only been prime minister for about a fucking fortnight! An inept, authoritarian, hopeless, woefully unpopular prime minister who’ll change fuck all except his fucking underpants, yes, but he’s still only just got in. And now you’re gonna look a right tit for the next few years for having shot your load so early! That wasn’t a petition, it was a census of fucking morons!
Manchester City are currently experiencing a difficult spell, having lost several games in succession, most recently in the Champions League, drawing 3-3 with Feyenoord after being 3-0 up.
Hahaha, in these fucking dark times, I can only say thank you Pep Guardiola, thank you Phil Foden and that cow-faced fucking pillar of sulking toss Haaland for brightening our lives with your hilarious run of fuck-ups! You drew with fucking Feyenoord! The Dutch Grimsby! The only logical explanation is you’ve realised that when this court case is done you’ll be relegated to playing football on Hackney Marshes with jumpers for fucking goalposts, so why bother putting a fucking shift in now?
Melanie Phillips has been on the BBC, an institution of which she is highly critical, dismissing the ICC court case against Israel and accusing the UN of being ‘in bed with Hamas’.
Fuck my wanksock, why the fuck do you keep inviting this racist, anti-Muslim, genocide-supporting fucker onto your shows, BBC? Is it some sort of weird, docile guilt? Or is it your fuckwitted sense of ‘balance’, where you have to balance sane, moderate, well-informed political commentators with unhinged, neo-Nazi-inspiring, pants-on-head batshit, malicious fucking career nutjobs like fucking Phillips? She fucking hates you, grow a pair and fucking hate her back!
Finally, Boris Johnson has accused the Church of England of failing to provide young people with ‘spiritual sustenance’, leading them to fill the void by ‘gorging themselves’ on food. In his day, Johnson elaborated, ‘people were skinnier, they ran around a huge amount, drank Tizer, ate Spangles and Curly Wurlies and dogshit… now they’re all fatsos and I’d be shot for saying they’re fatsos but that’s the truth.’
Jeeza-fucking-loo, of all the toxic fucking custard hurled around in these ongoing, deepeningly fucking stupid culture wars, this has to be about the most idiotic to date! Without wishing to body shame, if they did line you up to be shot, Boris, they’d have plenty to fucking aim at! And what in the name of fuck has the C of E got to do with Spangles and Tizer? Is that the spiritual sustenance we were dishing out in the 1970s? Curly Wurlies and dogshit? Listen, you silly fuck, young people paid fuck all attention to the C of E back then, just like now, and hopefully they’ll pay fuck all attention to a bladder on a stick jabbering fucking codswallop like you, you cunt!
