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Cock-shaped pasta in Italy's Blackpool: The gammon food critic's holiday to Sorrento

I'M off on holiday. It's been a while and a mate down the pub told me Sorrento is pretty upmarket. As a discerning chap, I wanted my first time in Eyetie Land to be classy.

Mash Blind Date: 'I'd love to see her again, probation willing'

LOVE has eluded Wayne Hayes, aged 45, due to a lengthy prison sentence. Will 40-year-old Nikki Hollis be more open than the last four years?

Your astrological week ahead for August 9th, with Psychic Bob

YOUR partner often looks at you fondly and says you’re a child at heart. You’d think she’d be disgusted by you using a potty.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Trump: definitely needs more walks by the edge of the roof

WAKING up with a hangover so virulent it has developed its own head which protrudes from my neck shouting abuse, I reflect on my correspondence with The Times newspaper this week. 

A white home counties roadman goes to a Hoasis concert wiv him's wasteman dad

WAGWAN? Fam, man’s daddem is usually bein’ a boring bankbot at him’s work, but dis week mumdem sez him’s going to take Joshua an’ Lady G to a gig. You wot?

The mental game of cunnilingus: Tips for endurance-building with the Mash Sex Columnist

LIKE a marathon, embarking on cunnilingus without proper training can result in serious injury. Minimise the risk of disappointing her again sexually with this guide.

Your astrological week ahead for August 2nd, with Psychic Bob

A difficult moment in a job interview when they ask your biggest weakness and you reply ‘Jaffa Cakes’.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… how long till the next Tommy Robinson Crowdfunder?

WAKING with a hangover so monstrous I must clench my buttocks to prevent myself excreting my liver until the moment of crisis passes, I reflect with no little irritation upon a new appointment.

Five English towns I would rather not be given the freedom of, by Sarina Wiegman

WINNING the Euros a second time round means your success-starved nation is forced to go to even greater lengths to show its gratitude. But please don’t bother giving me the 'freedom' of these places. 

This week in Mash History: Vikings in small boats invade British Isles but it's fine because they're white, 866

MORE than a millennia ago, the UK faced an unprecedented invasion from foreigners seizing land and assaulting women which nobody resented even slightly.