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DUE to the vagaries of late-stage capitalism – I believe in giving back, so I subscribe to eight OnlyFans – I needed a job. WFH of course, I’m not a freak.

Apparently there’s a shot of the Sycamore Gap tree in the new 28 Years Later. But a fast-moving zombie one.

WAKING with a hangover so pulsating it has disabled streaming services in the Lambeth area, leaving providers such as Netflix and Disney+ owing thousands in compensation, I reflect upon yesterday’s events. 

EVERYTHING’S got to be tarted up and made 'special' these days, hasn’t it? Even pizzas, beautiful in their simplicity, a timeless British classic. 

ADVENTUROUS couple Jordan and Sophie Gardner, both 35, are out with 26-year-old Charlotte Phelps. But can this menage a trois even share dessert?

The first casualty of war is truth. The second is Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense and impactful it caused my dog to vomit, I reflect on the week’s diverting events. 

WAGWAN? Man ’as been on a rollercoaster ride, fam, literally and megaphorically. Active J woz bare uninspired to swag at a toddler theme park, called Chessington Worlds of Hadventure.

THERE’S a lot to do on a Tuesday – work, children, determinedly not drinking – and an inept eating-out costs valuable scrolling time. Use these tips and you’ll soon be accepting Best Simulated Orgasm with a tearful speech:

‘When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life,’ said Doctor Samuel Johnson. He didn’t mention what happens when you tire of Uttoxeter, his home town. Presumably its infinite delights cannot be exhausted.