How I'll replace Klopp and rebuild Liverpool, by Billie Eilish

POP megastar Billie Eilish has announced an 81-date world tour. But she’s not bothered about that. Instead here is her plan for bringing the glory days back to her beloved Liverpool FC.

Tips for having a better orgasm that will not work for you, with the Mash sex columnist

SO impressed with yourself you’ve decided you’re too good for ordinary orgasms? Want to have the kind of exclusive seven-star M&S orgasm others simply cannot achieve?

Your astrological week ahead for April 27th, with Psychic Bob

High five. Up high. Down low. Too slow. You felt a pit open up in your stomach just reading that.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... a shitty week for horses

WAKING up with a hangover, I realised the binmen had come to recycle my bottles, but it seems the sudden noise caused Household Cavalry horses to rear up and gallop frenziedly through the streets of Central London. 

When Laurence Fox cannot call you a paedophile without being bankrupted, freedom is dead

IT IS every Englishman’s inalienable right, when defending himself on social media, to brand strangers paedophiles and gin up a mob.

This week in Mash History: Londoner discovers places other than London, 1699

MODERN Londoners understand, in theory, there are cities outside London. Some intrepid explorers even visit them and return with wild tales of affordable housing and pints.

Your astrological week ahead for April 20th, with Psychic Bob

Never lift an empty shell to your ear. If you do, you hear the sounds of a divorced man taking his children to McDonalds.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that's more than enough Liz f**king Truss, thanks

WAKING up on a bed of empty rum bottles, my head thudding as if a small, angry, right-wing man were trapped inside it, I sip a gallon of water to restore my faculties. 

All camel's eyes and sheep's bollocks: The gammon food critic goes Moroccan

I'VE never had much time for the Arabs. Wasting their time racing camels, living in tents in terrorist training camps in the desert and dicking around with magic lamps.

Long-term sickness: is it as fun as the media make it sound?

MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside?