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I HAD to escape this pissbag of an English summer. Endless bloody rain and I can't even blame it on immigration, like I do every other problem with Britain.

A WOMAN has decided to have children so she can breeze in and out of work whenever she wants, no questions asked.

GOING to Turkey? Boobs, bum or labiaplasty? With vaginal anxiety apparently at an all-time high, women are turning to cosmetic surgery for the smile few will ever see.

Ramp up the sexiness in your household by being constantly blindfolded. Don’t just save it for the bedroom.

WAGWAN? Man seriously vexed coz your fam, Active J, woz supposed to be voted as da class president. Calm.

A MAN has wasted time and effort burning fat in areas of his body that are not his gut, it has frustratingly emerged.

MODERN Britain is a beacon of democracy, where anyone, no matter their background, can freely slag off whichever posho gets to be in charge.

What’s the point of doing drugs at the world’s greatest music festival? Do them somewhere shit, like Aldi.

WAKING from a blissful dream in which I am floating on my back in the Dead Sea, only to find I am sloshing about in a large pool of vomit atop my mattress, I take stock of the events which led me to libation.