A confused Millennial tries to… complain without being a Karen

ONLY middle-aged women with mum haircuts complain. Or so I thought until my McPlant Burger only came with small fries instead of medium and I was forced to become everything I hate.

Pet names that will turn your lover right off during sex, with the Mash sex columnist

YOU’VE made it this far, you’re actually having sex. Now be careful not to arse it up by throwing a terrible pet name into the mix mid-coitus.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Can’t the French just eat the bedbugs? Put them on the menu called ampules de sang de Paris like they’re a delicacy?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... a hoof in the scrotum from Tamworth

WAKING with a mouth drier than the remains of Mother Teresa, I blink and see several colleagues and friends, including the Bishops of Durham and York, at my bedside.

'We fought the British 75 years ago and beat them as we will beat Hamas,' Netanyahu growls. 'I have notes,' I say

‘ISRAEL wins, whether against Hamas, Egypt, Lebanon or Britain,’ says Netanyahu. ‘Let’s reframe Britain’s contribution positively,’ I say.

Fish is for taking a picture with and throwing back: The gammon food critic visits a seafood restaurant

THE sea’s full of weird shit. That doesn’t mean you have to eat it, and somebody should tell the Spaniards that.

Six ways to look a prick in… knitwear

WHAT do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A misbegotten monstrosity begging to die, and that’s what you’ll look like in this season’s woolly jumpers!

Ask Sir Ian: Should I start a doomsday cult where I get to shag all the women?

I can’t help think life would be better if I had a legion of devoted followers, a harem and everyone gave me all their money.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

‘Don’t feel pressured to have double-height atriums, open stairwells and floor-to-ceiling windows just because Kevin McCloud wants you to,’ I tell my six-year-old son.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the gentlemanly aversions of Kevin cocking Keegan

WAKING with a head that feels somewhat like it has been stuffed forcibly with the corpse of Larry the Downing Street cat, I find myself harking back to my younger days.