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As they hover behind you, holding your jacket ready for you to slip your arms into, you admit to yourself you should never have befriended those crows.

WAKING with morning breath that has literally burnt a hole in my pillow, I rub my bleary eyes and look back on the initiative I set in place last week.

I KNOW I’m not the only one. Across the West, his sexy civil warmongering and daredevil backing of Trump has hordes of women hot for Elon.

YOUR girlfriend kindly pretends you are good in bed, but where do you really stand in her league table of lust?

A MAN whose girlfriend is taking evening classes in French is confident learning seductive new verbs will put her in the mood for sex.

WAKING with a painful cranium, fortunately the result of alcohol and not a half-brick to the back of the head like the amusing chap in Southport, I reflect on the troubling events of the past week.

I KNOW my stuff when it comes to ye olde medieval days of yore. I've watched the entire boxset of Merlin six times. Mostly for wanking over Katie McGrath when Morgana turns evil and sexy, but that's beside the point.

THE Olympics has brought dozens of muscular, scantily-clad hunks to our screens. But is objectifying anyone acceptable in this day and age?

WHEN it comes to questionable dating choices, there’s nothing so visibly freakish as a batshit big age gap. So why do people do it? We explore the mostly positives about dating someone who regularly gets mistaken for your grandpa.

"And is there a Mummy Longlegs?” – you, chatting up a crane fly.