Another Great British tradition that's gone to shit: The gammon food critic's Sunday carvery

IF there's one thing more quintessentially British than our victory at Dunkirk, it's a Sunday roast. I know the French take the piss with their 'les rosbifs' jibes, but who cares about a nation who would've beheaded Princess Di?

Mash Blind Date: Can Labour's newest MP and its former leader prove opposites attract?

SHE’S proudly right-wing and new to Labour. He served 46 years before being defenestrated. Will Natalie Elphicke and Jeremy Corbyn make love or war?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... you know Christianity says bad people get tortured, right, Russell?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like the drummer of the beat group Metallica soundchecking his bass drum, I stagger, blinking, towards the bay window of my chambers. Sunshine! 

A white home counties roadman has him's right to swag violated in a hexam

WAGWAN? Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights. Man woz turbo-vexed.

Your astrological week ahead for May 4th, with Psychic Bob

Fair play to 2Pac, he's pretty popular for a dead lad.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... what sort of dick would pay £1,600 for a pint with Sting?

WAKING up with a hangover that, if it escaped from my skull, would probably melt through the earth to Australia like a nuclear incident, I look back on my campaign to establish a controversial new saint’s day.

How I'll replace Klopp and rebuild Liverpool, by Billie Eilish

POP megastar Billie Eilish has announced an 81-date world tour. But she’s not bothered about that. Instead here is her plan for bringing the glory days back to her beloved Liverpool FC.

Tips for having a better orgasm that will not work for you, with the Mash sex columnist

SO impressed with yourself you’ve decided you’re too good for ordinary orgasms? Want to have the kind of exclusive seven-star M&S orgasm others simply cannot achieve?

Your astrological week ahead for April 27th, with Psychic Bob

High five. Up high. Down low. Too slow. You felt a pit open up in your stomach just reading that.