Only advice women ever give is 'dump him'

THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged.

Life-ruining heartbreak referred to as 'my then girlfriend'

A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.

How to chat up birds: dating advice from a scaffolder

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up.

Man eating lunch at desk to show off

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed.

'GB News platoon reporting for duty, sah'

THE bravest and doughtiest fighters of Britain are here to fight, sah! And with platoon GB News joining battle the war is as good as won.

Englishman at Burns Night thought it was about dubious meat boiled in an intestine, not bloody poetry

AN English newcomer to Burns Night believed it was some sort of eating contest for offal and mushy vegetables, not an annual celebration of a national hero.

Five normal things that celebrities think they're amazing for saying

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement.

Are you a workaholic like our tireless King? Take our quiz

ARE you, like King Charles, unable to stop working 16-hour days, not even taking weekends off?

Gen Z dating trends developed to ensure anyone older stays well away

FINDING true love is tricky at the best of times, so the last thing you need is trendy dating bullshit to deal with too. That’s why these things are so effective at deterring geriatric oldsters over 25.

A white home counties roadman gives up vapes an' henergy drinks for Dry January

WAGWAN? Say less. Man bare sufferin’. Parents made man give up da henergy drinks an’ man’s vapes after da schitz Christmas fing, innit.