Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pilot whales turned out so well they went ahead and commissioned a whole range of whales.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that fat fucking criminal Trump

WAKING with a hint of a morning head by an empty petrol can I resorted to imbibing when short of conventional spirituous liquor, I hear a nervous tap on my door.

Britain has an asylum backlog that can be seen from space. That will terrify refugees

ASYLUM backlogs at a record high? Isn’t that bad news for Stopping the Boats, the only Rishi Sunak pledge anyone cares about? Or is he far cleverer than anyone thought?

If I wanted my dinner off a spade I'd eat in the bloody shed: The gammon food critic visits the gastropub

GASTROPUB? As in gastroenteritis? Have these pretentious bastards thought this fucking through?

Let's move to the land of candy floss, scavenging seagulls and infamous sex offenders! This week: Scarborough 

Scarborough is the classic British seaside town: shit. Buckets, spades, decaying Victorian attractions, hammered tourists and noisy rip-off arcades.

Mash Blind Date: 'I hoped he'd bring the dog from his Bumble profile. It's all I'm interested in'

NAIL artist Kelly Howard, aged 29, only swiped right on Jack Browne, aged 32, because of his adorable King Charles spaniel. Can she endure a whole date without seeing it?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Except Beyoncé.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... those thieving twats at the British Museum

WAKING with something of a morning head, after a late evening with the Little Sisters Of The Poor who are renowned for their thirst, I learn that Michael Parkinson has died.

As we leave the concert, a revelation strikes me: I, Rishi Sunak, am Britain's Taylor Swift

YOU cannot watch the Eras tour and walk away unchanged. But I admit I wasn’t expecting the revelation that Taylor and I, with a few minor differences, are the same.

They were the baddies in the war: ten facts I'm just now learning about Germany, by Harry Kane

I PREFER American football, but my transfer to the Dallas Cowboys fell through so I came to Bayern Munich instead. Did you know that’s in Germany? I didn’t.