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WAKING up with a hangover that requires me to consume 42 gallons of water in five minutes to assuage it, I reflect on the week’s ecclesiastical events. 

WAGWAN? Active J is habsent from school. You see, fam, Drilla threw shade an’ posted a rank photo on Hinsta of man chillin’ what said: ‘Inactive J! Did him eat all da pies?’ It got bare likes. 

THE celebration of Christmas for a full third of the year has long been an English tradition. But what many don’t realise is that for 13 years it wasn’t, because of mince pies.

Mr Miyagi had it wrong. It should have been ‘Wax on, wane off.’

WAKING up with a hangover so severe the multicoloured emanations from my brain are causing an aurora borealis in my bedroom, I look back at my important contribution to current affairs this week. 

HI, Chris here, Coldplay's lead singer, songwriter and spokesperson. The famous one. Even I'd struggle to pick out the rest of the band in a police line-up. The lucky anonymous bastards.

Why did the band on the Titanic play Nearer My God to Thee? Bit on the nose when the encroaching freezing water was enough of a portent of doom. A jazzy tune like The Entertainer might have gone done better in the circumstances.

WAKING up with a hangover so vast it has its own moons orbiting it, I am pleased to be informed of new rules regarding financial disclosure for members of the House of Lords.

WHY shouldn’t I? After all, nobody else is paying. But while the Albanians can walk out with armfuls of diamond bracelets, you guessed it – it’s different for Brits.

MODERN dating is a hellscape. Or so my friends enjoying bountiful casual sex thanks to dating apps tell me. But relationships are the real AI-generated desert.