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IT always feels out of order talking about Africa and food in the same breath. All those guilt trips from Oxfam with starving kiddies and asking for money. It’s enough to put you off your dinner.

THE achievements of the Reverend Martin Luther King cannot be overstated, with even an annual federal holiday for Americans celebrating his legacy of equality.

Just two more and you’ve slept with every mascot in league football. God damn, why must Pilgrim Pete and Pottermus play so hard to get?

WAKING up with a hangover that according to my Geiger counter readings is technically a nuclear incident, I reflect on the week’s events, not least the new presidency.

ACTIVE J ‘as da January blues. Coz man ‘as been bare dumped. Lady G is no longer peng gyaldem. Her went off da scale at Active J in da cinema, for no reason at all, innit.

SOCIAL media has blighted society with its stupid trends. Just take planking, flossing, and the ice bucket challenge, all of which I participated in.

What did ghosts wear before sheets were invented?

WAKING with a hangover that has caused me to throw up a large chunk of my liver, I swallow an aspirin and reflect on a request for spiritual guidance on the LA wildfires.

HEY everyone! Zendaya here. The most famous person in the world if you're under 25. So famous I'm known by only one name, like Cher, Bono or Shipman. 

BILLIONAIRE Elon Musk has fallen in love with converting Europe to fascism, and he is pressing his ardour. Will Joanna Kramer, aged 44, fall to his shock troops?