How to cook the perfect romantic meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

There’s no better way to impress a lady than a romantic meal for two. Unless they’re sadistically playing with your feelings like a cat toys with a mouse, before ripping your heart out like some evil succubus from Hell. 

Mash Blind Date: 'He was almost as much of a prick about eating meat as I was about being vegan'

I could smell the animal fats leaking from his pores. He had that evil, greasy sheen I associate with people who murder and consume my animal siblings.

Let's move to the home of black pudding and a not-world-famous market! This week: Bury

SIR Robert Peel’s legacy consists not only of founding the much-loved Metropolitan Police, but also the continuing excellence of his hometown, Bury. What other town has both a market and a limited range of high street shops? None, you’ll find.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s a thankless job being a bouncer. No one ever comes back and says ‘Good call not letting me in last night. I was far too hammered. And fair enough, that shirt was casual.’

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Matt Le Knobhead Tissier

The only reason you want to sell off Channel 4 is because Krishnan Guru-Murthy humiliated you  using the cunning journalist’s trick of allowing you to open your mouth and talk!

How to turn up tasty leftovers into a delicious full meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

They’re just taking the piss now. Shepherd’s pie with baked beans slopped in. Still, I bet Marco Pierre White would say it was manna from heaven if Knorr paid him enough.

Channel 4's 40-year odyssey of filth, violence and deviant sex is over. We will never recover

We are a nation of depraved, deviant pigs, wallowing in our own filth, begging for one more episode of Eurotrash.

Let's move to a dying port city Philip Larkin really hated! This week: Hull

WHEN you arrive you’re sure to receive a warm welcome, or the threat of brutal violence – the local accent is so thick it’s impossible to tell. Still, it helps justify the local souvenir t-shirt, ‘It’s Never Dull in Hull’. Although that is a lie.

Mash Blind Date: 'I could tell she was aroused by my knowledge of Star Trek minutiae'

He asked me if I ‘do all the sex positions’. I’ve met forward blokes who like trying to get a reaction, but Martin didn’t seem to be joking.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive yacht at all.

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