Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

James Watt claimed to have invented the steam engine while watching a kettle boil. But a watched kettle never boils, so this is another Scots lie.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the bottomless fuckpiggery of Matt Hancock

WAKING with a start, I find myself seated in a large wood-panelled room, surrounded by row after row of grave-looking men and women.

Kamala Harris! Elon Musk! The Italian fascist lady, all at my AI conference! 'You have found your level,' says my wife

A GLITTERING array of world leaders have flown in for my AI conference. X-Man Elon Musk, the US vice-president you see so little of and a woman from the EU I hate.

Gary Barlow, and the other celebrities I'd love to punch in the face for money by Tyson Fury

AFTER a controversial win over an MMA fighter last weekend, The Gypsy King has turned his thoughts to the next non-boxer he’d happily take on in the ring for £50 million.

Ask Sir David Attenborough: Should I become a violent, masked vigilante?

I’ve always loved your shows, especially the bits where through careful editing and narration you grow to love a violent animal, and root for it to maul a zebra to death to feed its bloodthirsty young.

Mash Blind Date: can former prime minister Boris Johnson find true love with GB News?

HE’S the last prime minister but one. They’re a news channel that cherishes free speech and impartially loves Tories. Will they fall for each other?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Teenage girls. Kindly establish what connection Harley Quinn has to Halloween before dressing as her and making every male over 18 feel like a paedophile.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Tom Hunt MP's struggle to find English people in Ipswich

WAKING up in a ditch near Doncaster, following an ecumenical retreat which developed into a most convivial affair, I find that while asleep I have been robbed of my mobile telephone and my wallet containing my cash and credit cards. 

This may be my last missive from the United Kingdom of Hamas

I WOULD never use a terrorist atrocity to score cheap political points, but ask yourself this: how many Remoaners have stood up and called for Hamas to be hunted down like rabid dogs?

A white home counties roadman has his phone confiscated

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains why he unjustly had his brand new iPhone confiscated in violation of his right to Snap.