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Reassuring to know Noel Edmonds is in New Zealand, as far away from a British TV studio as it is physically possible to be.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense I see everything in a lurid shade of green for several hours until it abates, I reflect on another milestone in the history of the Church of England. 

HELLO peasants. You can’t have failed to notice mine and Lauren's recent understated wedding in Venice. And now you’re gagging to know what other tasteful events we have planned. 

HOT weather makes Britons behave unusually, and so it was when 17-year-old Catherine Howard stripped out of her lady-in-waiting outfit to wash a gun carriage.

If you listen to Dark Side of the Moon at the same time as you watch The Wizard of Oz, you’re f**king muntered.

WAKING with a hangover the size of Yorkshire, but mercifully not causing me to adopt a tiresome ‘bluff’ persona, I reflect on another tumultuous week in matters ecclesiastical. 

THE crowd before the Pyramid Stage is in a frenzy. Then He strides on stage and they lose it. The whole attendance of Pilton Farm, chanting ‘Oh, Nigel Farage’…

DUE to the vagaries of late-stage capitalism – I believe in giving back, so I subscribe to eight OnlyFans – I needed a job. WFH of course, I’m not a freak.

Apparently there’s a shot of the Sycamore Gap tree in the new 28 Years Later. But a fast-moving zombie one.

WAKING with a hangover so pulsating it has disabled streaming services in the Lambeth area, leaving providers such as Netflix and Disney+ owing thousands in compensation, I reflect upon yesterday’s events.