Will you get laid before the election? A quiz

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first?

Gammon would still shag Team GB flag if it was up for it

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Tories' fish-and-chip bullshit

WAKING in John O’ Groats, after having aided my repose with several bottles of malt whisky, I reflect on the events that led me to isolation in the far North.

Children at state schools fling dung for a living. My nice children deserve better

IF your child attends a comprehensive school, you have given up on them. You have decided hosing shit off roads for a job is all they can aspire to. And I respect that.

​​Man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk

A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged.

Hard-Fi, and other bands that failed to make being working class look good

FOR every act that conveyed their modest backgrounds with aplomb, some bands fetishised them to the point of embarrassment. Like these.

What kind of infidelity is right for you? asks the Mash sex columnist

YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair.

Your astrological week ahead for March 24th, with Psychic Bob

Birkin bag? No, this is a Parkin bag. For keeping parkin in.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… end this f**king James Bond shit now

WAKING up in a bathtub full of empty vodka bottles, breaking wind wetly and relieving a mysterious thirst I have acquired by wrapping my mouth around the cold tap, I reflect on yesterday’s ecclesiastical events.