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WAGWAN? Heaster is here, fam. An’ it is usually da time to celebrate chocolate, but Active J is a gangsta crew bossman hadult now, bustin’ a peng goatee, innit. An’ da Heaster Bunny is only for toddlers.

ANOTHER day, another L for the global economy. And not even Donald Trump can aura farm his way out of this one.

It’s good that the Doctor has a closer relationship with his companions these days. It used to be: ‘Okay, we’ve spent several years together mostly in one room and saved each other's lives countless times. F**k off then.’

WAKING with a hangover so intense that the blood trickling from my nose is bright green, I reflect on the special announcement I made yesterday to my parishioners. 

FORGET the Oscars or riding around in climate-controlled limos - what really gets me off is the thrill of mildly inconveniencing people to use the charging points on trains.

25-year-old accountant Olly O’Connor is looking for love and 22-year-old content creator Sophie Rodriguez is hoping for a monthly subscription.

About time that f**king tree got some leaves on, if you ask me. Shameless branchy bitch.

WAKING up with a hangover that causes traffic lights to malfunction throughout Westminster with its electromagnetic intensity, I reflect on a new ecclesiastical initiative I trialled this week. 

‘A NEW Great Depression may loom,’ says the BBC. ‘We could be going back to the 1930s,’ warns ITV. Am I the only one cheering and punching the air?

ASK any man with swollen nuts and a stagnant love life hoping nobody sees him in Ann Summers: spending unaffordable amounts on risqué lingerie is a sure route to a shag.