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Don't stop at Kneecap. Ban pop music, hang the DJ and intern the listeners

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes today the mayoralty of Greater Lincolnshire, tomorrow the world 

IT all came into focus with that vulgar orange, green and white balaclava. Everything wrong with our world has a single cause: pop music. 

Kneecap themselves, three contemptible terrorist-wannabes who the late Martin McGuinness would have rightly put in a shallow grave on the outskirts of Ballybogy, are only its most recent manifestation. 

These left-wing agitators who dress their message up in beguiling synth chords have always been with us: Manic Street Preachers, with their radical votes-for-Welshmen agenda. Billy Bragg, a paid agent of Yuri Andropov. Sinitta, Shining Path guerrilla. 

Even the Spice Girls claimed to love Thatcher only to perform at the Brits dressed as five sexy stripping Thatchers, culminating in live lesbian sex acts on stage in a performance so shocking it was officially expunged from the public memory entirely. 

But they were only the most obvious. Innocent-seeming acts like Take That promoted sodomy by placing five lithe men in close proximity. Bros popularised the craze of f**king your own doppelganger. t.A.T.u. made our kids not only Russian, but gay. 

Go back as far as The Beatles, those lovable mop-tops, and you’ll find they came from the People’s Republic of Merseyside, that Derek Hatton was their manager and before them, there was no cunnilingus. 

So, much as I love Radio 2 for demonstrating daily there’s an undercurrent of fascism in this country that can never be cowed, it’s over. Detain Dua Lipa. Lock up Lola Young. Arrest Adele. Let them warble to each other in the high-security wing. 

Make listening a crime. Shoot Spotify subscribers on sight. Begin the systematic trial for historical crimes of anyone who was ever in, or ever masturbated to, Pan’s People. 

Would you catch Nigel Farage listening to pop music? You would not. Therefore it’s unnecessary, wrong and needs to be illegal. Say ‘baby, yeah!’ to that. 

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Dead man bitterly criticised for choice of funeral music

MOURNERS are rightly ripping into the music a deceased man requested for his funeral.

Stephen Malley left instructions about which songs he wanted to be played, but grief-stricken family and friends feel his shit choice of music is ruining this incredibly sad day. 

Cousin Emma Bradford said: “Fix You by Coldplay was playing as we all filed into the church. I was livid. I can’t stand that song, or Yellow. It’s ruining the whole funeral vibe.

“The vicar apologetically explained that this bedwetter’s anthem was one of Stephen’s last wishes. So thanks a lot for making us listen to this trite shit, Steve. At least you can’t hear it.”

Lifelong friend Joe Turner said: “I’ve known Stephen since school and we spent our teenage years getting into good bands like Nirvana. So I’m disgusted that I’m expected to sing Let It Be, a bland pseudo-hymn from the Beatles’ worst album.

“You think you know someone, but there’s another side to them. If it’s Angels next I’m going to come back tonight and vandalise his grave.”

Stephen’s brother Paul said: “I always looked up to my big brother, but Always Look on the Bright Side of Life for the exit music? I mean, I’m sad he’s dead but what a f**king cliché.”

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