'Rwanda's never going to work,' says Cleverly. 'Of course not,' I snap, 'it's a Boris idea'

A YEAR into the job. Inflation halved thanks to my bold efforts. Braverman finally ditched. And here I am, still trying to make Boris’s bullshit work.

A white home counties roadman is imprisoned in detention

WAGWAN? You cannot hear man, even wiv your hairpods out. Man has been silenced by da hoppresive hauthorities crushin’ man’s freedom to speech an’ swag about.

Let's move to the Welsh city where sunshine is a myth! This week: Swansea

If Wales’s capital Cardiff has the atmosphere of a giant open-air pub, its second city is the pub toilet; damp, dark, pissy and full of cocks.

Five horrific penile injuries to cause then pretend were accidental, with the Mash sex columnist

AS an innocent Google of ‘grisly penile injuries’ will demonstrate, sex can be dangerous. And refreshingly, sometimes it’s the man who comes off worse.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s no wonder Billy Corgan titled a Smashing Pumpkins song 1979. In their fourth season and with their first movie released, it really was the Muppets’ key year.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the VARsolery of Mikel Arteta

WAKING slumped against a wall in Lambeth following a late evening fistfight with Gloria Hunniford in which I came off much the worse, I am surprised to hear the rattle of coins.

'I am the next leader of the Conservative party,' says Suella. I hate to agree, but I’ve set a low bar

MESSIANIC delusions I’m fine with – this time last week, I was hanging with Elon – but surely you need more of a record of achievement than Suella’s got.

Putting the Great into Britain since 1979: The gammon food critic goes to Wetherspoons

WAS there a Britain before there was a Wetherspoons? Technically yes, because it was only founded in 1979 and fucked if I remember it before ’92. Spiritually? No.

This week in Mash History: Guy Fawkes's lads night gets out of hand, November 1605

AT the weekend, the UK once again remembered Guy Fawkes by creating him in effigy and burning him atop bonfires which also badly scorch the neighbours’ fence and shed.

Mash Blind Date: a couple who have clearly been dating for ages but lied to get free food

CAN Charlotte, aged 29, find a future with Josh, aged 28? Or, as our waiters suspect, have they actually been a couple for years and are gaming the system?