The Archbishop of Canterbury on… end this f**king James Bond shit now

WAKING up in a bathtub full of empty vodka bottles, breaking wind wetly and relieving a mysterious thirst I have acquired by wrapping my mouth around the cold tap, I reflect on yesterday’s ecclesiastical events. 

Hash f**king browns and baked beans in pots: The gammon food critic on the demise of the full English breakfast

NOTHING'S sacred anymore in this once-great country of ours. They let birds play darts these days, for f**k’s sake.

Man thinks 'period costume' refers to girlfriend’s lounge-wear

A MAN believes the phrase ‘period costume’ refers to the cosy lounge-wear worn by his girlfriend, it has emerged.

Gourmet burger chain expects you to dislocate your jaw like a python

A GOURMET burger chain is expecting customers to be able to detach their jaw from the rest of their skull in order to eat their food, it has emerged.

This week in Mash History: Elizabeth I decides she's done with dating, 1568

THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.

Your astrological week ahead for March 16th, with Psychic Bob

Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... going without a shit for three days to see f**king Coldplay

WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.

A white home counties roadman's bruv actin' like Snoop Dogg coz him's been to Hamsterdam

WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla! An’ man’s gyal, Lady G.

Are you shit in bed, or is it her? Take our quiz

SEX life not up to scratch? Wondering which one of you is to blame? Take our quiz and find out.

A confused Millennial tries to… binge-watch EastEnders from the start

HEARD of EastEnders? It’s a television programme from the days before streaming, when TVs were huge because they contained analogue puppets acting out the show.