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YOUR partner often looks at you fondly and says you’re a child at heart. You’d think she’d be disgusted by you using a potty.

WAKING up with a hangover so virulent it has developed its own head which protrudes from my neck shouting abuse, I reflect on my correspondence with The Times newspaper this week. 

WAGWAN? Fam, man’s daddem is usually bein’ a boring bankbot at him’s work, but dis week mumdem sez him’s going to take Joshua an’ Lady G to a gig. You wot?

LIKE a marathon, embarking on cunnilingus without proper training can result in serious injury. Minimise the risk of disappointing her again sexually with this guide.

A difficult moment in a job interview when they ask your biggest weakness and you reply ‘Jaffa Cakes’.

WAKING with a hangover so monstrous I must clench my buttocks to prevent myself excreting my liver until the moment of crisis passes, I reflect with no little irritation upon a new appointment.

WINNING the Euros a second time round means your success-starved nation is forced to go to even greater lengths to show its gratitude. But please don’t bother giving me the 'freedom' of these places. 

MORE than a millennia ago, the UK faced an unprecedented invasion from foreigners seizing land and assaulting women which nobody resented even slightly.

“I’m representing you pro bono, so midway through the trial I may go off on a tangent about how f**king good Achtung Baby was.”

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that the hangover itself has a hangover, I reflect on another tumultuous week in ecclesiastical affairs.