By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who proposes any pub with a thatched roof should be exempt from drink-driving laws
TRUMP wants Greenland. We want the favour of the most powerful man in the world. Does nobody else see the obvious solution?
He clearly doesn’t want to get his hands bloody, and I don’t blame him. I’ve spent time mothers who’ve lost sons to war and they’re not the good company you’d think. They dwell on the downside.
But British lives are cheap, and we’re not afraid of a ruck with the Danes. So what’s stopping us doing the decent thing, launching a military takeover of Greenland and presenting it to Daddy as a gift?
Starmer won’t want to? Nonsense. Tell him it’s his Falklands moment and it’ll be all battleships go in hope of holding onto his seat. NATO? Pretty sure we left that when we left the EU, and if not it’s a minor oversight nobody will mind us correcting after the fact.
British steel against Danish Lego? Don’t expect much of a fight. We’ll be planting the Union Jack in Nuuk quicker than our patriots at home can get one zip-tied to an A-road footbridge.
And then, just as Trump is hearing about it, the King places a call – Starmer wouldn’t be right for this, his voice is too honky – and says ‘Mr President, we have a lovely surprise for you. I think you’re going to like it.’
We could even wrap a ribbon around it in seals’ blood so it’s more impressive from the air. Air Force One lands and Charles says ‘Here you are, sir. Greenland is now an American territory. But not a state, so no risk of US cities being swamped by Inuit drug dealers.’
Why, he’d be endlessly grateful. He’d drop all tariffs, grant us most favoured nation after Israel status, and sell us chlorinated chicken at a hefty discount. We’d be the new Elon Musk.
Or if not Greenland, there’s always Iceland. Trump’s senile, he won’t know the difference and we can finally do something about Bjork.
