UNSURE in love, 28-year-old Sophie Rodriguez has brought her mother on her date with Joshua Hudson, aged 32, to offer a second opinion. Can he charm them both? 

Josh on Sophie

First impression?

I ignored them as I was looking for a lone woman as would be normal. This was apparently ‘rude’ and left me with ‘ground to make up’ according to Mrs Rodriguez, who insisted I buy her a mai tai.

How was conversation?

A little stilted after I said ‘This is weird and frankly a bit PornHub,’ after which it transpired neither were familiar with the site, the term MILF or any videos titled ‘Foxy MILF-Daughter Tag Team Work Young Stud HARD’.

Favourite thing about Sophie?

She seems really natural and open. I felt less so because her mum Donna was marking my answers on her clipboard, like a driving test. I didn’t know I had such a poor credit score.

Memorable moments?

When Donna asked about my plans for fatherhood. Specifically my sperm count.

A capsule description?

A lovely woman accompanied by the looming shadow of her awful future.

Was there a spark?

Deffo. I leant in to stare into Sophie’s eyes, but Donna lent forwards, stared into mine and asked if I have any family history of macular degeneration or type 2 diabetes.

What happened afterwards?

I slid my hand across the table towards Sophie and Donna slapped it, urging me not to get fresh. I cannot imagine the negotiations required to get a blowjob.

What would you change about the evening?

I wish her Mum had waited in the car while we kissed, rather than standing there to make sure I wasn’t planning to ‘slip in the tongue’.

Will you see each other again?

I’ve been invited to their house for the next date. I’m not going.

Sophie on Josh

First impression?

Not sure. Mum, what did you think?

How was conversation?

Easy, funny and full of warmth. Family occasions will flow. However I wasn’t allowed to talk much.

Favourite thing about Josh?

Didn’t fold under interrogation. Seemed confident that he could take both of us on sexually.

Memorable moments?

When Mum brought up his Instagram on her phone and asked who Lucy was, from that holiday to Faliraki in 2016. He’s been STI-tested so it’s all good.

A capsule description?

A nice man. I hope one day we can see each other independently.

Was there a spark?

My glittery eyeshadow, perhaps. I wore it even though Mum said it was whoreish. I do rebel, see.

What happened afterwards?

Mum asked him to film himself assembling flat-pack furniture and it he does it within an unspecified time limit she’ll invite him round for lamb tagine.

What would you change about the evening?

I wish we’d sat in a booth so that Mum and I could’ve faced each together rather than having to turn every time she interrupted. I’ve hurt my neck.

Will you see each other again?

Yes, if Josh writes us each a thank you letter. Handwritten, on fancy paper. Black ink, mum says.

Donna on Josh

First impression?

Completely unsuitable. Does he think those shoes are polished?

How was conversation?

Firm. He’d arrived on an E-bike and I told him that if he wanted to park his bike with my daughter, then he could go elsewhere. Scruffy herbert.

Favourite thing about Josh?

He looked appropriately cowed by my presence, especially when I said that anything he does to her I’ll do to him and I’ve heard all the true crime podcasts.

Memorable moments?

When I asked what kind of underwear he prefers and had to explain briefs can reduce sperm motility. I’ve offered him some of my late husband’s boxers. Shame to waste them.

A capsule description?

Promising young man, decent manners, ironed shirt, not remotely good enough but I do need a project.

Was there a spark?

I did write down ‘flirtatious eye contact, 6/10’. But then Sophie was wearing a frankly provocative mid-length skirt.

What happened afterwards?

I drove Soph home so we could compare notes and log them on the courting spreadsheet.

What would you change about the evening?

Unfortunately, I didn’t catch his second-to-last ex’s surname for my research but I know she’s a GP living in Horsham, that should suffice.

Will you see each other again?

Well, that’s rather up to Sophie, isn’t it? Kidding. No we won’t be, though I’ve not broken that to her yet. She gets emotional.