WAKING with a hangover so bad that portions of my brain have died and I have no recollection of how to ride a bike or what one is, I reflect on an important week in the church/politics interface.
I was holding one of my regular confessionals, which I have introduced in the spirit of ecumenical harmony. I sat behind the gauze screen and was conscious that my latest penitent was Nigel Farage.
‘Have you anything to confess, my child?’ I asked.
‘Me? Good God, no,’ he said, stepping around the gauze and sitting beside me. ‘I was looking for a favour. For the sake of the old school.’
‘I didn’t go to your school.’
‘Even so. You see, I’m slipping in the polls and was looking for a stunt of some sort to boost me. It’s always gone really well when I’ve attacked the RNLI in the past and I was thinking…’
I hushed him. ‘I have just the idea. I have a job lot of old dinghies I can lay my hands on. You and your followers could form a flotilla put out to sea to deter the RNLI from offering a taxi service to asylum seekers.’
Farage readily agreed. Sadly, the dinghies with which I supplied him were not shipshape. He and his followers sank promptly on taking to the Channel and had to be rescued by RNLI volunteers.
I received a message from Farage the next day. ‘That didn’t work. Any other ideas?’
I have yet to reply. First a light breakfast and a perusal of a periodical. Therein I read that Justin Webb, in a Today interview with Ed Miliband, suggested his recent sanctions against Israel endangered British Jews and asked if he intended to go to the synagogue this weekend.
Fuck me, you absolute cunt, even fucking GB News would have hesitated before firing off a cheap, nasty, racist shot like that! Taking the mildest possible measures to sanction a regime who have been displacing and killing Palestinians somehow endangers British Jews and makes him the wrong sort of Jew? Who the fuck are you to set a ‘Jew test’? Would you ever have asked Boris Johnson if he intended to go to church this weekend? Or Rishi Sunak if he intended to go to a Hindu temple? Of course you fucking wouldn’t because it’s perfectly clear where you’re coming from on the political spectrum and the impartial centre it fucking ain’t!
The Daily Mail reported that ‘Danny Tommo’, who led the Portsmouth protests by men in balaclavas, led a detachment of his followers, wearing their trademark black shorts, to gather outside the Mail’s offices. This new protest was against coverage of his group and they demanded the Mail buy his mother a new house after supposedly revealing her address.
Hahahahaha! Not quite ‘Hurrah for the black shorts’ now is it, you twats? Seriously, this is fucking great to watch, fascist enablers like the fucking Mail at odds with actual fascists they’ve inadvertently helped energise in their pathetically tiny numbers, both spending their energy fighting each other rather than making the lives of migrants a fucking misery! Eat the racist shit you dumped, you Kensington fucks!
In a Guardian interview this week, 82-year-old Margaret Hodge said of herself that she was ‘like Marmite’.
Are you fuck, you horrible old cow! Some people actually like Marmite! There’s a fucking case to be made for the nutritional merits of Marmite! There’s no fucking case to be made for you, you morally grotesque fucking hag! Your family had shares in a company that traded with apartheid South Africa and fucking Pinochet’s Chile! And when someone wrote this up in a feature, you reported it as ‘antisemitism’! You’re not fucking Marmite! You are toxic bullshit in a fucking jar!
Finally, Donald Trump has made a remarkable offer to the American electorate – vote in the midterms and if the Republicans win, they will receive $5,000 each in cash.
Well, I’d like to say you’re insulting the intelligence of American voters with an offer like this but let’s face it, the thick fuckers have voted for you in their millions not once but twice. So I can see why a cunt like you, whose grifting faculties are still intact amid the senile collapse you’re otherwise demonstrating, would think this worth a fucking punt! As if there’s the remotest fucking chance you’d pay out on something like this! All those mugs queuing outside the White House, waiting for their fucking checks while you hide behind a sofa in the fucking Oval Office! This a new low but you’ve got fucking miles lower to go yet!
