WAKING up with a hangover so severe I feel it merits a 1973 24-part series narrated by Sir Laurence Olivier, I vomit into a ceremonial trough and am returning to bed when there is a knock at the door.
‘Come!’ I bark, and in steps Sir Keir Starmer, formerly in my employ as my administration assistant.
‘What do you want?’ I demand. ‘I thought I gave you the boot weeks ago?’
‘No, that must have been another Keir Starmer.’
‘So you are Keir Starmer and you want your job back, right, because no other cunt will take you?’
‘No, I said I would carry on serving as an MP and I stand by that statement.’
‘But you’ve resigned.’
‘Yes, and I stand by my statement of resignation also.’
‘You’re giving me a fucking headache, you constantly lying prick! Do you not remember what happened when you worked for me before and the fucking balls-up you made of it?’
‘I believe I did a good job under difficult circumstances given the mess I inherited.’
Upon which I clutch the top of his head, swivel him around and deliver a hefty boot up his hindquarters, pitching him face-first into the corridor. That done, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that James Cleverly has pledged that should he become mayor of London he would end Sadiq Khan’s ‘war on motorists’.
Fuck me at both fucking ends, talk about the living antithesis of nominative fucking determinism! This is fucking London, you Tory piece of pond scum, not the fuckwit shires! We quite like our fucking kids having lungs healthier than six-year-old Victorian urchins forced to work as fucking chimney sweeps! This sort of shite might play well with greedy, gas-guzzling BMW drivers on the fucking outskirts but the rest of us value things like actually being able to breathe and not having to clean our fingernails every 15 minutes because of fucking air pollution!
Maureen Lipman has criticised actor Gerard McCarthy for pulling out of a play with her because of her ardently pro-Israel views, saying: ‘He’s going to limit himself to just working with Mark Ruffalo and Javier Bardem for the rest of his career if he doesn’t grow up.’
So he’ll be working with decent, talented, Oscar-nominated people who give a shit about genocide as opposed to a racist, anti-Palestinian, increasingly reviled fanatic like you? Sounds like a fucking good deal to me! It sounds a lot like projection, the worrying realisation that supporting the deaths of 73,000 and counting Palestinians was a pretty fucking bad idea. Could it be you who ends up in panto in Swansea, not even being asked to appear on shite TV nostalgia shows to talk about Beattie the fucking BT granny?
Milo Yiannopoulos, the British far-right campaigner and Trump supporter who called for the deportation of millions of Americans has himself been detained and deported to the UK by ICE. He has now described himself as a ‘persecuted human rights icon’.
Hahahahahaha, I’m glad there’s aisles at Westminster Abbey because I have spent the last few hours fucking rolling in them! The leopards ate your fucking face! And now the boot’s up the other arse, ie. your own, you pathetic fucking streak of weirdo! And don’t think you’re gonna get the same sort of gig over here you had in the fucking States. Our nutjob-to-sensible ratio is fucking depressing enough, but unlike the United Shithole of America it’s not enough to keep you off the fucking dole!
Finally, with the Bayeux Tapestry now in the UK, former MP John Redwood felt the need to comment on X: ‘As we consider the Bayeux Embroidery we should remember the many killed by this French invasion. English men and women had their lands stolen. Many were put into serfdom by a new Norman governing class.’
Yep, so it was right and proper that a mere 950 years later, with the wounds of this invasion still raw, that we voted for fucking Brexit. Got it. King Harold’s revenge at last! Stick your bendy bananas up your arse, William the Conquerer! Everything is about Brexit for you, isn’t it, you risible fucking moron obsessive? As if back in the day you wouldn’t have been rooting for the fucking Sheriff of Nottingham against the socialist outlaw Robin Hood! Cunt!
