By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes the Tree of the Year is woke

THIS is not a drill. The winner of the 2026 series of Celebrity Traitors is revealed at the bottom of this very column. Why? Because the BBC must be destroyed. 

By happenstance, though it had no business doing so because it is publicly funded, it has a hit show. If we allow this to continue the weak-minded will believe it ‘justifies the licence fee’. It’s the same idiotic argument that disastrously gave women the vote.

It cannot be allowed to happen. Not when we were winning the war. Not when Radio 4’s You and Yours has been cancelled, opening up pensioners’ spitefully withheld funds to entrepreneurial scammers at last.

Not when Strictly is crashing and burning after giving the presenting gig to an active polycule, complete with Josh Widdicombe as cringing bottom. Not when we are within weeks of GB News winning the Doctor Who franchise to show us history done right.

So, the Traitors. Richard E Grant is out tonight. That’s a given, the big-mouthed luvvie twat. You wouldn’t believe he’d grown up a colonial. Where’s his reflexive racism?

The remaining BBC fluffers and catamites will be disposed of in short order. The final four? Miranda Hart, Hannah Fry, Maya Jama and James Blunt, who incidentally will have given Maya one during the interim and made her realise Stormzy wasn’t all that.

Hart won’t last. Despite the proper breeding, she’s weak on values. Shame. In a better age she’d have made a wonderful head nun at one of those convents where they drowned unwed mothers.

Fry will be exposed as a fraud, because nobody actually able to add up would wear the flame-red hair of socialism. And in the final Blunt, who won the Iraq War, will easily expose Jama as a traitor even if she is pregnant with his illegitimate bastard.

The final twist? He pulls his sidearm, demands the hundred grand be wired direct to his own account and boards a mini-submarine to Russia to the cheers of right-thinking Britain. Because the real traitors? The BBC. All along.