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WAKING up with a particularly intense hangover I realise I have grown a second head, this being the only way my constitution could cope with the cerebral strain of my imbibing.

WAGWAN? Man is da most gassed hever, bruv. Mandem crew went to da seaside, an’ ‘ad da worst day hever which turned into da best day hever.

A MAN despondent about losing his girlfriend has felt his sour mood lift after merciless piss-taking from his mates.

Today is purple bin day. Remember to put all your hopes, dreams and aspirations inside.

WAKING up on a cobbled street, my head feeling like the ecosystem of the planet Mercury, it becomes clear I have somehow been transported back in time to somewhere between 1987 and 1992.

Hola. Pep here. Man City manager. Roll neck aficionado. One of the few examples your wife is thinking of when she sees your receding hairline and unconvincingly says ‘bald men can be sexy too’. 

AS someone who grew up with every recorded fact and invented fact a quick Google away, I believe in the freedom of information. Anything less is gatekeeping, which is evil.

As they hover behind you, holding your jacket ready for you to slip your arms into, you admit to yourself you should never have befriended those crows.

WAKING with morning breath that has literally burnt a hole in my pillow, I rub my bleary eyes and look back on the initiative I set in place last week.

I KNOW I’m not the only one. Across the West, his sexy civil warmongering and daredevil backing of Trump has hordes of women hot for Elon.