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FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains to his crew the privations of walking the hood in school uniform.

What’s ‘Billie’ Eilish even short for? Is it Billicent?

WAKING with a severe head cold, sneezing uncontrollably, I realise that I have chosen quite the day for it.

IT’S hard to announce the cancellation of a train line that’s cost £57 billion and make it sound good for growth. So I’m not going to. Announce it that is, I’m still cancelling it.

THE Great British Bake Off is back, with new host Alison Hammond initiated into its sordid world of cakes and implied sex. These are the things she didn’t know.

THE high-impact multi-position end-changing shag is the dream, but what you really fancy is a nice lie down. Combine the two for lovely low-maintenance orgasms.

HANNAH, aged 27, swiped right on 38-year-old Julian even though his holiday photos were very suspiciously cropped. But is he willing to take the plunge into infidelity?

Fern gasped. For in the web in the high corner of the barn, above where Wilbur sat beaming, two words glistened unmistakably in the morning dew. ‘FUCK OFF’, they read.

WAKING on cobbles, I realise I have just fainted and feel my vital organs shutting down one by one like lights in a towerblock.

THE moment I heard, I picked up the phone to offer my congratulations. And the three hours since have simply flown by.