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WAKING with a morning head and aware of a distinctively green, radioactive glow emanating from my skull, I reflect on last Sunday’s events at morning service.

FORGET your gender nonsense, Gen Z. Worry not about climate change. The time has come for you to put your anxieties aside and fuck.

NEW album Hackney Diamonds means more of the few precious years The Rolling Stones have left will be spent on the road playing the same songs to the same fans.

Up in the north-west of England is the Tories’ bête noire, the working-class left-wing city they keep trying to kill but that will not die.

SCARED of a little bit of blood? Not a modern, empowered, body-positive woman like you. You’re not cowed by the fact you’re feeling icky in more ways than one.

Would it kill them to add some of those 60s Batman onomatopoeia animations to hardcore pornography once in a while?

WAKING with a faint buzzing about the temples, perhaps as a result of my now-customary Brasso nightcap, I recall the tumultuous events of the past few days.

I CANNOT possibly condemn my education secretary for feeling underappreciated. She very much isn’t, but that’s entirely down to her failings in the role.

THE older you are, the harder it is to shrug shit off. For example I had a bit of a basic week – a Chinese takeaway and eight cans of lager every night – and I felt terrible.

An important industrial centre for more than a century, the steelworks was royally Thatchered in the 80s, leaving only air, land and water pollution to remind residents of Middlesbrough’s glorious past.