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A confused millennial tries to… rizz up his girlfriend

By Josh Gardner, who missed the first two White Fox seasons and still hasn’t caught up

MODERN dating is a hellscape. Or so my friends enjoying bountiful casual sex thanks to dating apps tell me. But relationships are the real AI-generated desert. 

I’ve been exclusive with the same girl for two years now, in a prison constructed of love and affection that I willingly entered into by my own volition. I know! When polygamy was right there!

But it’s got stale. I don’t know how. We avoided basic Boomer bitch mistakes by keeping a progressive routine where I’d do the washing up if I could be arsed.

And yet, inexplicably, the cracks are there. These days she only sends me links to Gaza fundraisers, when in the throes of our honeymoon period we were sweatily exchanging hundreds of Big Chungus memes a night.

Rather than reflecting on the situation like a rational adult, I decided to fix it with Reddit and ChatGPT. The feedback was unanimous: I had to deploy some W rizz.

I began by consuming as much manosphere content as possible, pushing my real personality deep down and projecting an air of cool aloofness instead. Hos love it when you’re fake.

Next I parked a fleet of Bugattis on our driveway and got into crypto and dropshipping. Once I was making a fortune through questionable means we’d be back.

I hinted I was part of the Bonnie Blue Thousand and spoke with the silver, abusive tongue of irresistible pick-up artists like Andrew Tate. I reminded her I’m a 10, and that it’s her tradwife duty to be loyal to an alpha chad. I was cooking harder than Gordon Ramsey.

Inexplicably it didn’t win her over. Rather than swooning over my gold chains and indoor cigar smoking, she said that I’d been corrupted by the algorithm and she was staying with her sister. Even Grok doesn’t know how it came to this.

But my self improvement hasn’t gone to waste. I’m back on the apps and honing my aura on the open market. I’ve just added ‘willing to accept situationships’ to my Hinge bio.

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Your astrological week ahead for August 16th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Profit from a Freakier Friday body-swap scenario in which people invariably return to their own bodies by demanding £5,000 to not cut off a leg. 

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Prospective parents. Test if nominative determinism is true by naming your son Big Dick Academic Overachiever Investment Banker. If nothing else he’ll stand out at school.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

In The Fantastic Four: First Steps, what sort of sadistic mind makes The Thing share accommodation with a loved-up married couple and a young, good-looking celebrity superhero? The only action he’s likely to get is shagging a breeze block.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Why are there so many unused coathangers in your wardrobe? Did you used to have more outfits than Lady Gaga?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

According to films, there’s a high chance of people you befriend on holiday turning out to be serial killers or occultists. However when they try to murder you, you can normally escape by stabbing them with some conveniently-placed broken glass, so don’t let it spoil a lovely paella meal with Iain and Susan.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Is Bonnie Blue not famous enough for this year’s Strictly or something?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If ‘jeggings’, ‘jorts’ and ‘shackets’ are actual words you use, streamline your wardrobe by just wearing a t-shirt saying ‘Wanker’.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

White middle-aged men: stop young people listening to controversial ‘drill’ music by getting into it yourselves.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Keep small dogs cool in a heatwave by putting them in the freezer for several hours. However you’ve got to be careful while doing this – don’t put them in the same drawer as the sausages.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Why do we pick on leopards by using them as an example of a bad individual who will never change their ways? We don’t accuse lions of being violent bastards, and they won’t stop twatting zebras.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

During the warm weather, save time melodramatically fanning yourself by just asking for some attention.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th 

Did our grandparents fight in WW2 so young people could eat crushed avocados and stare at their phones? No, but they didn’t do it so old people could be moaning bastards voting for Brexit and keeping the Daily Express afloat, so looks like we’re quits.

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