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FOOD is fuel, and anyone who talks pretentious bollocks about it is a con artist. ‘The sea bass goujons are sublime.’ Piss off. They’re just up-themselves fish fingers.

THE Conservatives have admitted they do not know how they will manage it but if it is what the public wants, they will cut public services even more.

PROVING definitively you’re with the one is tricky. Yes you’re unreservedly committed, but what if your soulmate is the man in tight shorts on the train, or Miley Cyrus? Here’s how to be sure you’ve got it right.

You’re glad Jack Grealish has been dropped from the England squad. You couldn’t have enjoyed the games while gazing at and envying his lovely, lovely hair.

Waking up with a hangover whose pulsations fire enough energy to keep a village lit for a week, I reflect on the turbulent last few days. On  Monday, I was rushed to hospital with acute liver failure.

THE internet is the dominant technology of the 21st century, with millions using it every day to look up Anna Kendrick’s age, bukkake porn, or Benedict Cumberbatch’s height.

Go on. Treat your wife to half a Dr Oetker Ristorante pizza tonight. She's earned it.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense my tortured neurons are sending signals into space, I look back on the events of yesterday which led to my present condition. 

Councils shouldn’t install ornate lamp-posts. There’s a real risk people might end up learning to tap dance.

WAKING up with a hangover emitting a stench worse than pilchards left to rot on a gym changing room radiator for a fortnight, I reflect on a personally momentous Wednesday.