THE internet is the dominant technology of the 21st century, with millions using it every day to look up Anna Kendrick’s age, bukkake porn, or Benedict Cumberbatch’s height. 

But did you know it was originally conceived neither for the betterment of human lives nor the advancement of international business, but as something to do when taking a lengthy shit?

Tim Berners-Lee was working at CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, and suffering from a bowel complaint when he decided to invent the internet rather than read the same February 1989 issue of Auto Trader yet again.

He wrote: “We have made so much progress in every field of human endeavour. Yet after every night on the Guinness I sit here, chained to the pan, bored out of my mind.

“I bring along a copy of The Sun, like any sane individual, but soon tire of its lone topless photo. And when I get angry and shout at the newspaper nobody can hear me, much less reply. This seems to me a fundamental failing.

“What if there were a way of linking every individual who is currently seated, elbows on knees, looking for aggressive, pedantic interaction? All from the comfort of your own crapper?

“While moving my bowels, I could be moved by information: updates from loved ones, messages from an employer, or even the height of Rick Moranis, all in a single scroll of the thumb.

“Think of the revolutionary implications for the working man. A bathroom break becomes time reclaimed for himself. He can use it however he wishes, even to fetter away his hard-earned cash on sports betting. The power is his.

“I will explore this concept further, but right now my arse is cramping so I need to wipe and flush.”

And so Sir Tim gifted humanity the gift of being able to do almost anything from anywhere, but most importantly mid-dump.

Next week: to 1723, when Antonio Vivaldi dropped the hottest track of the summer.