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'What if we cut public services even more? Is that what you want?' plead desperate Tories

THE Conservatives have admitted they do not know how they will manage it but if it is what the public wants, they will cut public services even more. 

Though public services are already at crisis levels, with courts, hospitals, doctors, prisons, schools, local councils and transport in tatters, the government feels it has no option but to bribe an electorate hungry for destruction by making them even worse.

Jeremy Hunt said: “You’re demanding another 2p off National Insurance just to degrade public services even further? The country will collapse, you maniacs!

“God, but what choice do I have? We are but servants of the public, and the public will is clear. You’ve had enough mollycoddling from the nanny state and you want the Church of England sold off to the Saudis? I’ll do it.

“I’ll just have to explain to all public sector workers that they’re unpaid volunteers for nine months of every year. I’m sure they’ll be okay with it. You don’t go into their line of work for the money.

“But no more! This has to be the last, you hear me! And when you can’t see a doctor, can’t find a policeman and spend 90 minutes waiting to get cut off by HMRC, remember this was what you wanted!”

Bill McKay of Carlisle said: “Also if you never use your National Insurance you should get a no-claims bonus when you die.”

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Is he your soulmate or should you sleep with another five, ten, maybe 15 people to be sure? asks the Mash sex columnist

PROVING definitively you’re with the one is tricky. Yes you’re unreservedly committed, but what if your soulmate is the man in tight shorts on the train, or Miley Cyrus? Here’s how to be sure you’ve got it right:  

YOLO

Acronyms exist for a reason, and it’s not just to brand their users as wankers. It’s because they embody the essence of human truth. We do indeed only live once, and sex with your current boyfriend gives you fewer orgasms than one. So STD – seize the day – with other soulmates, housemates, his mates, whatever, though avoid the other kind of STD.

Altruism

You think of others so much, putting their needs first, that you can’t bear the thought you’re standing between your girlfriend and her lifelong happiness. Likewise, you can’t allow potential new soulmates to live unfulfilled lives by never riding your dick. So, putting their needs before your own, you sleep around. Selflessly, you never tell her. This is your burden.

Evidence

Too often, in our misinformation era, we believe ‘truths’ with no basis in empirical fact. It’s led to Brexit, to Trump and, most tragically, to your settling for a dull boyfriend who’s only an okay bone. Evidence is evidence and there’s only one way to collect it: take up your Moleskine notebook and measuring tape and get out there.

Fidelity

You are a loyal, loving person who would never contemplate cheating on your wife. Affairs ruin marriages and scar childhoods. So you’ve no option but to be absolutely sure before you marry her, which is why you’re getting all your infidelity out of the way while she’s still a mere girlfriend. That way you can go into marriage confident you’re doing the right thing.

Feminism

Emily Wilding Davison threw herself under a horse to allow you the freedom to shag as many men as you choose. Not taking up this blood-bought opportunity would be to spit on her grave. Spit on your hand instead and go out, as the suffragettes would have wanted, and do the rounds to see if you’ve got the man you deserve or if there are better scrapings at the bottom of that barrel.

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