Your astrological week ahead for June 8th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Watching the televised debate last week you reflect that, whatever happens, we’re going to be stuck with yet another short-arsed prime minister.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

By now Jim Beam and Jack Daniels are miserable old bastards who prefer a cup of tea, thanks.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

At school, you’d take turns to look after the class rabbit during the holidays. You’ve introduced that at work with the caretaker. If he dies you’ll have to find an identical 65-year-old man named Charlie.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

In modern, two-car households you can no longer hold sexy key-swapping parties. Everyone just ends up driving home alone in a stranger’s car.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Three-and-a-half hours? Not exactly f**king swift, is it?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A vasectomy takes the sperm out of the semen, but what if you want the sperm and no semen? Just those little guys flying along like one-legged trapeze artists.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It must be wonderful being a girlfriend, going to watch a big-budget blockbuster at the cinema, completely unable to see any of the CGI.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You’re glad Jack Grealish has been dropped from the England squad. You couldn’t have enjoyed the games while gazing at and envying his lovely, lovely hair.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The guy who came up with shoes for horses – what else did he invent? Stockings for donkeys? Christ that’s hot.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

The Pope should at least be able to levitate.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Inspired by club opening hours, your local supermarket is now open 8pm til 2am. Free entry for girls before 10pm. No trainers or Stone Island.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Wishing you a very Merry Childbirth and a Happy New Born.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Nigel Farage getting milkshaked

Waking up with a hangover whose pulsations fire enough energy to keep a village lit for a week, I reflect on the turbulent last few days. On  Monday, I was rushed to hospital with acute liver failure. 

One junior doctor suggested this may be lifestyle-related, but his superiors were baffled. Fortunately, aid was immediately at hand. It so happened that a plane carrying 42 nuns to help carry out charity work in Africa had crashed, with all on board perishing.

Five of them carried donor cards and so it was that I had the pick of the organs, selecting finally that of the youngest, a 25-year-old teetotaller and athlete who ate an all-organic vegan diet. Such mercies. It is miracles like this which almost convince you that a benevolent deity exists.

The operation completed, I was discharged and at once repaired to my favourite hostelry to road test my liver: it withstood my imbibing with impressive aplomb. And now, perusing a periodical, I read that self-appointed Reform leader Nigel Farage was doused with a milkshake in the constituency of Clacton. Politicians such as James Cleverly and celebrities such as Jonathan Pie condemned the attack.

Shove a red hot kipper up my arse and watch me dance the hornpipe, are you shitting in my mitre or what? It was a milkshake! Talk about one of the worst, life-ruining cunts getting off light! Mind you, Cleverly, it is true that when we think about the devastation wrought in Gaza s on the Palestinian people, I can see why you’d be clutching your fucking pearls! Twats! If it had been a bucket of blood or pigshit, I might have thought, steady on, that’s a bit much, but it was a fucking milkshake! And all grist to his grift, as it turned out!

Footage has emerged of Luke Akehurst, prospective parliamentary Labour candidate for Durham, opining as a non-Jew on Jews who he considers to be insufficiently Jewish because they are unsympathetic to Israel. ‘They have abandoned very much of their Jewish identity,’ he said. ‘They don’t go to shul at all. It’s become a purely cultural thing around a bowl of chicken soup.’

So he’s screeching this venom and not a dicky bird from either the Labour party or the media, who have recently taken up residence up Keir Starmer’s arse! Never, ever say you’ve cast out fucking antisemitism from the Labour party while you try to smuggle ruddy-faced scum like this into a safe seat without any bastard noticing, you wretched fuckers!

The Green Party are advocating against caesarian sections  so birth can be treated as a ‘normal, medical event, in which mothers are empowered and able to be in control.’

Fuck my Russian hamster, they wouldn’t be very empowered and in control if you dickheads got into power and did away with the option of a caesarean! Have you gone fucking insane? The earth is burning, you’re supposed to be advocating for a non-burning earth and you’re pissing about with cod-naturalist woo like this? Have you been quietly taken over by a bunch of homeopathic remedy-guzzling nutjobs, or what?

Finally, it seems that Manchester City FC are to sue the Premier league over their financial rules, with the club already contesting 115 charges of breaching financial fair play rules.

Sure, and in other news, Lance Armstrong is to sue the cycling authorities over their flagrant discrimination against drug abusers denying him his glorious Tour de France titles! You have got brazen balls, I’ll give you that! Get round the rules you’ve serially broken by using oil state money to get them rubbed out! Month by month, with every legal stroke you pull this, you reveal yourself as the fucking joke team you are, with giant asterisks attached to every one of your grubby, ill-gotten trophies! You deserve to be relegated to some 20th tier agricultural league with cowpats for goalposts, you cunts!