A white home counties roadman rap battles for him’s house on sports day 

14-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, represents his school house in a rap battle for respect and house points.

Wagwan? Active J is chill now, but man woz low today, fam. Man woz disrespectfully overlooked for him’s talents as a rapper, wot is dat about?

Today woz sports day, innit. Da school confiscated da hastroturf for football matches an’ other runnin’ about tings, preventin’ crews from accessin’ their rightful vape territory. As a peace hoffering to mandem da school said da gangstas dat is rubbish at sports can do a sports day rap battle. Nang, bruh! Peng nang!

Miss Jackson sed da rap ‘ad to be summink about da school. Man woz gonna do him’s rap about da old-time founding members dat da houses used to be named after, but a few years ago Miss Jackson kicked up a shitty-fit wiv da school coz dem’s woz some kind of dodgy traders in Hafrica, innit.

Miss told da school da names of da houses should be hinspirational bruvs, or gyals. So da school gave da houses new names an’ den Miss woz still ragin’. Man don’t get Miss Jackson sometimes.

So, Active J’s house is Bezos, Drilla’s is Musk, and Lady G is in Richard Branson house. Dem teachers made Active J wear da deadman house drip of da loud primary colour top wiv no brandin’, urgh! Man felt naked rappin’ wivout him’s North Face gangsta drip.

In da battle Drilla did him’s rap about da school dinners bein’ rank. Wasteman rhymed ‘pizza’ wiv ‘pizza’ four times. It woz da bare lamest ting hever. Active J busted freestyle rhymes about da hastroturf bein’ confiscated an’ blew dickhead Drilla haway. Bare brutal, bruh.

Den Lady G gets up an’ does a rap about diversity an’ equality, an’ wins da battle. Her sed nuffink about school, but got da huge happlause from staffdem an’ all da points. How is dat showin’ hequality.

Man was blowin’ fuses, fam, coz in man’s rap crew Lady G is da support rapper, innit, so heveryone knows Active J should av won. Wot a diss! But den staffdem opened the hastroturf an’ Lady G shared a can of Monster an’ a new Cookies n Cream vape wiv man, an’ all woz forgiven coz Bezos house won. Gassed!

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Why you shouldn't buy that thing you're sure you want. By your parents

WHAT are you doing? Don’t buy that. Your frivolous purchase will be frowned upon, and your parents will sensibly explain why:

Designer dress

Why on earth you would you consider spending so much money on a dress you’ll only wear once, when you’re not even going to get married in it, which is the only reason to spend more than £9.99 on any item of clothing? And it’s not as though you socialise enough to have any chance of attracting a nice young man. Have some dignity and cover up with a sensibly priced dress fit for all occasions from M&S.

Peloton bike

Why are you paying an extortionate amount of money to cycle indoors pretending you’re cycling outdoors? Your parents still have your teenage bicycle in the garage, use that instead. If it’s truly exercise you need, which clearly you do, you could take your mum to the garden centre and stroll around there, and put the saving aside for your retirement.

Electric car

Your concern for the environment and long-term cheaper running costs don’t matter to your parents when purchasing a new car. Spending an extra seven thousand pounds buying a Vauxhall Mokka that runs on batteries instead of fuel sounds like a foolhardy choice to them. Plus, they’re not safe. Everyone has a huge SUV nowadays, so you should too. And what’s wrong with public transport? It’s not as though you need a car as you never visit them anyway.


Why, for heaven’s sake, would you hugely deplete your savings to buy a football shirt worn once by some obnoxious brute with too much money and a silly haircut? And it’s in a frame, so you can’t even wear it, which just renders it pointless. If you want something on the wall, get a nice ambiguous Turner print or a depiction of Spitfires strafing the Luftwaffe. That’s true art.

Cosmetic enhancements

To your parents, you’re perfect. Well, that’s what they claim, but they also make pointed comments about the size of your bum, the blotchiness of your skin and the fact you have a rapidly growing bald spot. However, they are not prepared to confront the idea that decades of criticising your appearance might have something to do with your crippling self-consciousness and a wish for a boob job or whiter teeth. That’s just you being vain.


You thought your parents would be pleased you’re planning for your future by purchasing an investment, but they are dismayed when they discover your Bitcoin doesn’t come with a fixed return or a gift box. They are even more horrified when you reveal it’s a very expensive proof of number calculations and not something made of gold or with a picture of the King on it. Further chat about blockchains and non-fungible tokens only gives them a headache and another reason to wonder where they went wrong with you.