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WE get there and everyone looks at least 90 and ready to drop. There's an all-pervading stink of granny gas, perfume and stale urine. It's like sitting in the waiting room for the morgue.

SAVE yourself the expense and embarrassment of buying bona fide sex toys and use these deeply unsexy household items instead, which isn’t embarrassing at all. You’ll never look at your egg timer the same way again!

DEAR Dame Judi. Should I make breakfast an exception to my strict diet, and start having a whole bottle of whisky instead of my usual kale smoothie?

It’s ridiculous when people write 'c**t'. You’re allowed to say 'celt'. We’re all adults here. We all know what a celt is.

WAKING up in the lion enclosure at Regent’s Park Zoo, I am aware of one of the beasts padding menacingly towards me after an inebriated attempt to recreate the story of Daniel (Daniel 6:22).

SMOKING is evil. The only people who smoke are drunk middle-aged women outside clubs and people in black and white films. Yes, I smoke three spliffs a day but that’s different. It’s natural drugs from a local dealer, not an evil corporation.

OPPENHEIMER star Cillian Murphy might be Hollywood’s hottest property, but that doesn’t mean he’s above the occasional Amazon scam. They're insured anyway, probably. Here are his tips.

SHOREDITCH developed a reputation for crime until it became a byword for ‘gentrification’ in the 90s. Nowadays residents are more likely to be arrested for not eating organically or wearing skinny jeans.

WILLIAM Shakespeare is the most renowned playwright in history, inspiring generations of actors and middle-class ponces to wank on about him like they’re dead clever.

God, you wish you had it as easy as Dolly Parton. You work 9am to 6.30pm and your boss still sends you Teams messages in the middle of the night.