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You’ve got tickets to an immersive David Hockney experience. A swimming pool.

WAKING with a hangover strong enough to function as a wifi signal, I take a sip of water and reflect on the week’s events, in particular an unfortunate slip of the tongue during a speech.

WAGWAN? Peng birthday to man, peng birthday to man, peng birthday Active J, peng birthday to man, innit.

THE Labour party has confirmed the nanny state is to take over every aspect of your life, down to and including your self-abuse.

LIKE most of my generation I have what, four, five jobs? No, six. Actually counting the dealing seven. Each a more precarious side hustle than the last.

Prepare for your first black tie dinner by snacking on other smaller and differently coloured ties first.

WITH Morrissey having somewhat huffily ceded rights to the name 'The Smiths', I felt it could be a first rate way of spreading the Good Word if I were to appear at a concert with the new iteration of the beat group.

WILL Ryan Whittaker, who hopes to meet The One, and Lucy Parry who for f**k’s sake doesn’t want commitment right now, work it out?

“Ask for a takeaway cup then just sit in the Starbucks, will you? Not on my watch. Hello, is that the police?”

WAKING with a hangover that is causing my head to glow bright green, I decide the only way to settle the matter of whether Catholicism or Protestantism is the better form of Christianity is with a pissing contest.