Premium

SHE’S proudly right-wing and new to Labour. He served 46 years before being defenestrated. Will Natalie Elphicke and Jeremy Corbyn make love or war?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like the drummer of the beat group Metallica soundchecking his bass drum, I stagger, blinking, towards the bay window of my chambers. Sunshine! 

WAGWAN? Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights. Man woz turbo-vexed.

Fair play to 2Pac, he's pretty popular for a dead lad.

WAKING up with a hangover that, if it escaped from my skull, would probably melt through the earth to Australia like a nuclear incident, I look back on my campaign to establish a controversial new saint’s day.

POP megastar Billie Eilish has announced an 81-date world tour. But she’s not bothered about that. Instead here is her plan for bringing the glory days back to her beloved Liverpool FC.

SO impressed with yourself you’ve decided you’re too good for ordinary orgasms? Want to have the kind of exclusive seven-star M&S orgasm others simply cannot achieve?

High five. Up high. Down low. Too slow. You felt a pit open up in your stomach just reading that.

WAKING up with a hangover, I realised the binmen had come to recycle my bottles, but it seems the sudden noise caused Household Cavalry horses to rear up and gallop frenziedly through the streets of Central London.