WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events.
I have found myself pestered by a new appointee, the Bishop of Cambridge, a young fellow of 35, who is one of those irritating sorts who is fresh and full of ideas.
He has noticed how my period of pastoral charge has benefitted from my extensive use of swearing, in both the written and spoken word. However, having come up through the Varsity Footlights, he is of the opinion that I should ‘jazz up’ my sermons with amusing compound words. He requested an audience with me, in which he outlined his thoughts.
‘The f-word, the c-word, the t-word, the w-word… they’re all well and good, but couldn’t you mix it up a bit?’ he suggested.
‘No,’ I said.
‘No, no, hear me out. How about “tossbugle”?’
‘No.’
‘What about “shiteboobles”?’ ‘No.’ ‘Wanktubbies? Pissybobs? Fuckitywhatnots?’
‘Emphatically no. This conversation is over. Fuck off. Don’t fucktrumpet off, don’t fuckity bye off, just fuck. Off.’
Upon which, looking somewhat crushed, and flinching as I threatened to strike him with my staff, he sloped off.
Chuckling over our little contretemps, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Rory Stewart, on his podcast with Alastair Campbell, remarked that ‘some Israeli parliamentarians are using increasingly blunt language when discussing Palestine’.
Fuck my dead dog with my dead hamster on a stick! ‘Blunt language’? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? We’re not talking about telling your neighbour to keep their bloody music down, it’s people enthusiastically explaining their fucking plans for genocide! And ‘becoming’? I presume that means ‘I’ve only just noticed, or decided to notice’. So about two years late, you’ve finally taken your splinter-filled, bony arse off the fence and realised what people paid fuck all have known since fucking 2023! Some fucking topical podcast. What are you going to notice next, Enoch Powell being a bit racist?
Donald Trump has lashed out against his own supporters, calling them gullible ‘weaklings’ for questioning the transparency of a secretive inquiry into Jeffrey Epstein.
Hahaha, it’s all falling apart isn’t it, you grotesque, weirdly effete, miserable, nappied, adjudicated fucking rapist! Everyone knows that (A) you’re a vile, grab-them-by-the-pussy sex pest and (B) a big fucking mate of Epstein. They can do the fucking ‘math’ from there! And now, realising you’ve been fucking played for a sap by your boyfriend Putin, you’re opening your big mottled buttocks and taking a shit on your idiot MAGA supporters when even they finally realise, with Rory Stewart-like tardiness, that you’re a fucking wrong ‘un!
Rachel Reeves is claiming that cutting red tape for City firms will have ‘trickle down’ benefits for households across Britain.
Ah yes, trickle down. Trickling down, all that money from deregulated financiers, trickling down like the brown dye from Rudy Giuliani’s hair on a hot day. Trickling down like shit down a tree from incontinent baboons above. All trickling down on the heads of the deserving, hardworking poor. Oh fuck off. That money is trickling nowhere except fucking offshore, as we fucking know from bitter, time and fucking time again experience! You’re either an amnesiac fuckwit or you take us for amnesiac fuckwits! Although I wouldn’t mind not remembering you!
Finally, it seems that Oasis, in exchange for £50 million each for Noel and Liam Gallagher, are to continue their world tour to November, culminating in Brazil.
I think it’s fair to say we all fucking hate Oasis, if by ‘we’ we mean anyone with a double digit IQ or higher. But I tell you who is going to fucking hate Oasis more than anyone ever hated Oasis, and that’s Oasis. By November Noel and Liam will feel like they’re churning through Wonderwall for the 10,000th time, staring out at a sea of the world’s most pitiful brayalong morons, realising that they are the modern messiahs of fucking bloke rock mediocrity! And there’ll still be fucking Champagne Supernova and Roll With It to go!
