The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Nigel Farage getting milkshaked

Waking up with a hangover whose pulsations fire enough energy to keep a village lit for a week, I reflect on the turbulent last few days. On  Monday, I was rushed to hospital with acute liver failure. 

One junior doctor suggested this may be lifestyle-related, but his superiors were baffled. Fortunately, aid was immediately at hand. It so happened that a plane carrying 42 nuns to help carry out charity work in Africa had crashed, with all on board perishing.

Five of them carried donor cards and so it was that I had the pick of the organs, selecting finally that of the youngest, a 25-year-old teetotaller and athlete who ate an all-organic vegan diet. Such mercies. It is miracles like this which almost convince you that a benevolent deity exists.

The operation completed, I was discharged and at once repaired to my favourite hostelry to road test my liver: it withstood my imbibing with impressive aplomb. And now, perusing a periodical, I read that self-appointed Reform leader Nigel Farage was doused with a milkshake in the constituency of Clacton. Politicians such as James Cleverly and celebrities such as Jonathan Pie condemned the attack.

Shove a red hot kipper up my arse and watch me dance the hornpipe, are you shitting in my mitre or what? It was a milkshake! Talk about one of the worst, life-ruining cunts getting off light! Mind you, Cleverly, it is true that when we think about the devastation wrought in Gaza s on the Palestinian people, I can see why you’d be clutching your fucking pearls! Twats! If it had been a bucket of blood or pigshit, I might have thought, steady on, that’s a bit much, but it was a fucking milkshake! And all grist to his grift, as it turned out!

Footage has emerged of Luke Akehurst, prospective parliamentary Labour candidate for Durham, opining as a non-Jew on Jews who he considers to be insufficiently Jewish because they are unsympathetic to Israel. ‘They have abandoned very much of their Jewish identity,’ he said. ‘They don’t go to shul at all. It’s become a purely cultural thing around a bowl of chicken soup.’

So he’s screeching this venom and not a dicky bird from either the Labour party or the media, who have recently taken up residence up Keir Starmer’s arse! Never, ever say you’ve cast out fucking antisemitism from the Labour party while you try to smuggle ruddy-faced scum like this into a safe seat without any bastard noticing, you wretched fuckers!

The Green Party are advocating against caesarian sections  so birth can be treated as a ‘normal, medical event, in which mothers are empowered and able to be in control.’

Fuck my Russian hamster, they wouldn’t be very empowered and in control if you dickheads got into power and did away with the option of a caesarean! Have you gone fucking insane? The earth is burning, you’re supposed to be advocating for a non-burning earth and you’re pissing about with cod-naturalist woo like this? Have you been quietly taken over by a bunch of homeopathic remedy-guzzling nutjobs, or what?

Finally, it seems that Manchester City FC are to sue the Premier league over their financial rules, with the club already contesting 115 charges of breaching financial fair play rules.

Sure, and in other news, Lance Armstrong is to sue the cycling authorities over their flagrant discrimination against drug abusers denying him his glorious Tour de France titles! You have got brazen balls, I’ll give you that! Get round the rules you’ve serially broken by using oil state money to get them rubbed out! Month by month, with every legal stroke you pull this, you reveal yourself as the fucking joke team you are, with giant asterisks attached to every one of your grubby, ill-gotten trophies! You deserve to be relegated to some 20th tier agricultural league with cowpats for goalposts, you cunts!

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A white home counties roadman rap battles for him’s house on sports day 

14-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, represents his school house in a rap battle for respect and house points.

Wagwan? Active J is chill now, but man woz low today, fam. Man woz disrespectfully overlooked for him’s talents as a rapper, wot is dat about?

Today woz sports day, innit. Da school confiscated da hastroturf for football matches an’ other runnin’ about tings, preventin’ crews from accessin’ their rightful vape territory. As a peace hoffering to mandem da school said da gangstas dat is rubbish at sports can do a sports day rap battle. Nang, bruh! Peng nang!

Miss Jackson sed da rap ‘ad to be summink about da school. Man woz gonna do him’s rap about da old-time founding members dat da houses used to be named after, but a few years ago Miss Jackson kicked up a shitty-fit wiv da school coz dem’s woz some kind of dodgy traders in Hafrica, innit.

Miss told da school da names of da houses should be hinspirational bruvs, or gyals. So da school gave da houses new names an’ den Miss woz still ragin’. Man don’t get Miss Jackson sometimes.

So, Active J’s house is Bezos, Drilla’s is Musk, and Lady G is in Richard Branson house. Dem teachers made Active J wear da deadman house drip of da loud primary colour top wiv no brandin’, urgh! Man felt naked rappin’ wivout him’s North Face gangsta drip.

In da battle Drilla did him’s rap about da school dinners bein’ rank. Wasteman rhymed ‘pizza’ wiv ‘pizza’ four times. It woz da bare lamest ting hever. Active J busted freestyle rhymes about da hastroturf bein’ confiscated an’ blew dickhead Drilla haway. Bare brutal, bruh.

Den Lady G gets up an’ does a rap about diversity an’ equality, an’ wins da battle. Her sed nuffink about school, but got da huge happlause from staffdem an’ all da points. How is dat showin’ hequality.

Man was blowin’ fuses, fam, coz in man’s rap crew Lady G is da support rapper, innit, so heveryone knows Active J should av won. Wot a diss! But den staffdem opened the hastroturf an’ Lady G shared a can of Monster an’ a new Cookies n Cream vape wiv man, an’ all woz forgiven coz Bezos house won. Gassed!