Why you shouldn't buy that thing you're sure you want. By your parents

WHAT are you doing? Don’t buy that. Your frivolous purchase will be frowned upon, and your parents will sensibly explain why:

Designer dress

Why on earth you would you consider spending so much money on a dress you’ll only wear once, when you’re not even going to get married in it, which is the only reason to spend more than £9.99 on any item of clothing? And it’s not as though you socialise enough to have any chance of attracting a nice young man. Have some dignity and cover up with a sensibly priced dress fit for all occasions from M&S.

Peloton bike

Why are you paying an extortionate amount of money to cycle indoors pretending you’re cycling outdoors? Your parents still have your teenage bicycle in the garage, use that instead. If it’s truly exercise you need, which clearly you do, you could take your mum to the garden centre and stroll around there, and put the saving aside for your retirement.

Electric car

Your concern for the environment and long-term cheaper running costs don’t matter to your parents when purchasing a new car. Spending an extra seven thousand pounds buying a Vauxhall Mokka that runs on batteries instead of fuel sounds like a foolhardy choice to them. Plus, they’re not safe. Everyone has a huge SUV nowadays, so you should too. And what’s wrong with public transport? It’s not as though you need a car as you never visit them anyway.


Why, for heaven’s sake, would you hugely deplete your savings to buy a football shirt worn once by some obnoxious brute with too much money and a silly haircut? And it’s in a frame, so you can’t even wear it, which just renders it pointless. If you want something on the wall, get a nice ambiguous Turner print or a depiction of Spitfires strafing the Luftwaffe. That’s true art.

Cosmetic enhancements

To your parents, you’re perfect. Well, that’s what they claim, but they also make pointed comments about the size of your bum, the blotchiness of your skin and the fact you have a rapidly growing bald spot. However, they are not prepared to confront the idea that decades of criticising your appearance might have something to do with your crippling self-consciousness and a wish for a boob job or whiter teeth. That’s just you being vain.


You thought your parents would be pleased you’re planning for your future by purchasing an investment, but they are dismayed when they discover your Bitcoin doesn’t come with a fixed return or a gift box. They are even more horrified when you reveal it’s a very expensive proof of number calculations and not something made of gold or with a picture of the King on it. Further chat about blockchains and non-fungible tokens only gives them a headache and another reason to wonder where they went wrong with you.

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This week in Mash History: Tim Berners-Lee gets bored on the toilet, 1989

THE internet is the dominant technology of the 21st century, with millions using it every day to look up Anna Kendrick’s age, bukkake porn, or Benedict Cumberbatch’s height. 

But did you know it was originally conceived neither for the betterment of human lives nor the advancement of international business, but as something to do when taking a lengthy shit?

Tim Berners-Lee was working at CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, and suffering from a bowel complaint when he decided to invent the internet rather than read the same February 1989 issue of Auto Trader yet again.

He wrote: “We have made so much progress in every field of human endeavour. Yet after every night on the Guinness I sit here, chained to the pan, bored out of my mind.

“I bring along a copy of The Sun, like any sane individual, but soon tire of its lone topless photo. And when I get angry and shout at the newspaper nobody can hear me, much less reply. This seems to me a fundamental failing.

“What if there were a way of linking every individual who is currently seated, elbows on knees, looking for aggressive, pedantic interaction? All from the comfort of your own crapper?

“While moving my bowels, I could be moved by information: updates from loved ones, messages from an employer, or even the height of Rick Moranis, all in a single scroll of the thumb.

“Think of the revolutionary implications for the working man. A bathroom break becomes time reclaimed for himself. He can use it however he wishes, even to fetter away his hard-earned cash on sports betting. The power is his.

“I will explore this concept further, but right now my arse is cramping so I need to wipe and flush.”

And so Sir Tim gifted humanity the gift of being able to do almost anything from anywhere, but most importantly mid-dump.

Next week: to 1723, when Antonio Vivaldi dropped the hottest track of the summer.