Your astrological week ahead for June 1st, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Go on. Splash out and treat your wife to half a frozen Dr Oetker Ristorante pizza tonight. She’s earned it.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The worst part of being in a police line-up is seeing the weird-looking oddballs who the cops think resemble you! Apart from when they find the body parts, obviously.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You said yourself it’s a little star. You wouldn’t shut up about it twinkling. Why are you wondering what it is?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Election! Trump sentencing! Lindsay Lohan’s 38th birthday! July really is shaping up to be quite a month.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Is water wet? Well, no, actually. Things with water on them are wet. Now do the right thing and kill yourself.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Could an overdose of adrenaline during the Falklands War get you out of paying your TV licence? It’s got to be worth a shot.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Unless it’s smashed to bits. Then it’s f**ked.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st

You’d love a relaxing weekend in the countryside, but it’s just not worth having to solve all the murders.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s not ‘See It, Say It, Sorted’ or ‘See It, Say It, Sort It.’ It’s ‘See It, Say It, Sore Tit.’ Is everyone stupid?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Is competitive Irish dancing just them getting faster and faster?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

When you’re shown someone’s baby and say you could ‘eat them up’ everyone smiles. But when you say ‘I could cook him in an oven’, everyone freaks out. Where’s the line?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Having a third nipple is nothing to be ashamed of, but you wish your dad would stop getting it out at parties.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the relaunch of Loaded for wanking dads

WAKING up with a hangover so intense my tortured neurons are sending signals into space, I look back on the events of yesterday which led to my present condition. 

I was receiving a visit from my twin brother, Kevin. We are very much ‘chalk and cheese’ – he is, unlike me, teetotal, forbears from ‘industrial language’ and is a devout Christian who actually believes in such concepts as the afterlife.

Despite this, he has made his fortune in pornography, owning a string of publications both in print and online, the contents of which would make even a Swede blush. As he explained: ‘I loathe the stuff with every moral fibre of my being, but it so happens that I am very good at being a pornographer. It is as if God intended it to be my purpose on this planet.’

I feel the same way. I don’t believe a word of C of E theology, although I suppose it might be possible to enjoy it as a mildly amusing fantasy novel in the style of Mr Terry Pratchett, but I happen to have a knack for being Archbishop of Canterbury that others don’t. 

Reassured about my ecclesiastical role, Kevin and I drank late into the night. A prodigious amount of alcohol was consumed, or in Kevin’s case, fizzy Ribena. 

As my hangover diminishes to tolerable levels, I shower, imbibe a fizzy restorative and take a light breakfast while perusing a periodical. Therein, I read that Labour appears to be undertaking a purge of left-wing MPs, including Diane Abbott and Faiza Shaheen, who ‘liked’ a tweet concerning Israel on a satirical American TV show.

Douse my mitre in cowshit and make me eat it, what sort of Night of the Long Knives cuntery is this? Because if there’s one thing the Labour party has got a fucking surplus of it’s black women MPs, right? And what it’s short of is pasty-faced, factionalist wonks who couldn’t get elected as a voluntary toilet cleaner without being fucking parachuted in! I mean, have you seen Luke fucking Akehurst? A globular ultra-Zionist from Oxford given a safe seat in the North. I bet the city of Durham was fucking gagging to get him!

The London Evening Standard has announced it is scrapping its daily edition, after 200 years. It will now be a weekly publication.

Yeah, and I bet you won’t be able to fucking give that away either! Anyone tried to read the Standard lately? It’s just a bunch of lifestyle wank about fuck all and some blonde fuckheads you’ve never heard of! They may as well be handing out brochures from a fucking Knightsbridge estate agent for all the relevance the rag has to the lives of actual fucking Londoners! I’d sooner forget to ‘mind the gap’ in the Underground than read that shite!

In other publishing news, it seems that 90s ‘lad’ magazine Loaded is to be rebooted, aimed at ‘the original Loaded audience who are now living happily at home with their wife and kids’ but ‘still reminisce about their nights spent clubbing until 3am, drinking £1 shots, with a bedroom covered in posters of half-naked women’.

Haha, fucking good luck with that! I love the assumption that the pissed-up, sexist gimps who bought Loaded en masse ever managed to bag wives and have fucking kids! More likely they’re living unhappily in studio flats wanking twice a day into fucking grey socks over the same pictures of Kirsty Gallacher and Lucy Pinder they did when they were fucking 21! Shame this relaunch is a pointless dead duck now we’ve all got an infinite amount of internet porn. No one was buying Loaded to wank over David Baddiel. I sincerely fucking hope!

Finally, temporary prime minister Rishi Sunak has announced plans to bring back National Service in the event of his re-election.

Haha, you can plan what you fucking like, pal, bring back pre-decimal coins, public hangings and the reanimated cyborg corpse of fucking Margaret Thatcher, because you are out on your arse, you loathsome little half-prick! National Service! A completely non-thought-through waste of time for everyone concerned, including the fucking military, who’ll have to find things for 100,000 sullen interns to do! It’s such blatant fucking pandering to right-wing headbangers the only people who could conceivably think it’s a good idea are Labour, who’ll probably fucking adopt it within six months!