Is your girlfriend thinking of someone else in bed? Take our quiz

YOUR girlfriend is electric in the sack, but is it because she’s imagining you’re someone else? Take our quiz.

Does she call out your name?

A) Occasionally, but not often. She’s called me ‘Tom’ instead of ‘David’ a few times, but her ex was called Tom and they were together for years, so I guess old habits die hard when she’s distracted in the throes of passion.

B) All the time! Though she always seems to pause before she does. Probably having to catch her breath because the sex is so wild. I’d just be being paranoid if I thought it was her making sure she got my name right.

Does she have her eyes open or shut during sex?

A) Always tightly closed. I think the sheer intensity of our couplings means she can’t take any more external stimuli. The sight of my super-hot orgasm face would tip her over the edge too quickly.

B) Wide open, though usually looking over my shoulder as opposed to drinking in the undeniable beauty of my visage. I quizzed her about once, but she said she’s short-sighted, and looking at anything that close up gives her headaches, which is fair enough.

What gets her in the mood?

A) It’s quite random, but she often seems oddly aroused right in the middle of watching TV. Especially if it’s a re-run of Poldark, or, come to think of it, anything with Ryan Gosling in it. I think she probably just gets bored watching Barbie for the umpteenth time now, and decides she’d rather be having sex together. I know I do.

B) She’s got some interesting kinks. At the moment she gets quite hot under the collar when she tells me about visiting the dog park and talking to a guy named Joe who owns a Golden Retriever, which I put down to her being a passionate animal lover.

Is she into role play?

A) Yes, she gets really steamy by getting me to dress as a policeman. Which is a coincidence, as Colin the guy who’s just moved in next door is a copper. It’s quite a new thing too. I don’t mind, but still feel a little uneasy when she handcuffs me to the headboard.

B) No, she’s not interested in faffing around with all that these days. The sex is a bit perfunctory, but maybe that’s just what happens when you’ve been together for a while.

Have you ever suspected her of having an affair?

A) Only once, but when I confronted her about it she flatly denied it, which put my mind at rest. It was a few years ago now, and she hasn’t been working late at the office since her old boss left. I guess her new manager is just less of a slave driver, the poor thing.

B) No, never. She hasn’t looked at another man since we met. How do I know? Well, I just presume, that’s the kind of bovinely placid and emotionally unintelligent guy I am.

Mostly As. Yes, she’s thinking about someone else. And not always the same one. The neighbour, her ex, random cock off the telly. Anyone but you, who she isn’t really attracted to anymore, but moving out would be a real pain in the arse.

Mostly Bs. No, she’s not. She doesn’t need to fantasise about someone else during intercourse with you because she’s already shagging them on the side. You won’t confront her about it though, because you can’t be bothered to move house either.

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Your astrological week ahead for May 25th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

The guy I bought my last laptop from was utterly vile: racist, sexist, homophobic, the lot. Turns out I’d gone into Un-PC World by mistake.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

It’s not just politicians. For the next six weeks we’re all required to wear hard hats and hi-viz.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Seems a shame they only use the bouncy slide from the plane during emergencies.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It takes two to tango, but only one to drink Tango. Moral of the story: you need to buy more Tango.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The French have perfected the art of sex, cooking, and torturing geese to make delicious patê. What a country.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Councils shouldn’t install ornate lamp-posts. There’s a real risk people might end up learning to tap dance.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

This week, atheism is proved right forever after the image of Richard Dawkins appears on a slice of toast.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘F**king homewrecker!’ you shout at the retreating back of the tornado that’s torn your house apart, when really you should be blaming your husband.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The general election had better not get in the way of your plan to moan about the current Tory government forever and ever.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Try saying ‘Burt Bacharach burps Berocca blowing bucks at Baccarat’ three times fast. Now you’re ready.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Orthodontist? No, we’re orthodox Jews. Very different discipline.”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

‘And this is my crypt o’currency!’ you quip, leading guests down to a vault below your house containing more than £6m in dollars, yen and Euros you keep specifically so you can make that joke.