Is he your soulmate or should you sleep with another five, ten, maybe 15 people to be sure? asks the Mash sex columnist

PROVING definitively you’re with the one is tricky. Yes you’re unreservedly committed, but what if your soulmate is the man in tight shorts on the train, or Miley Cyrus? Here’s how to be sure you’ve got it right:  


Acronyms exist for a reason, and it’s not just to brand their users as wankers. It’s because they embody the essence of human truth. We do indeed only live once, and sex with your current boyfriend gives you fewer orgasms than one. So STD – seize the day – with other soulmates, housemates, his mates, whatever, though avoid the other kind of STD.


You think of others so much, putting their needs first, that you can’t bear the thought you’re standing between your girlfriend and her lifelong happiness. Likewise, you can’t allow potential new soulmates to live unfulfilled lives by never riding your dick. So, putting their needs before your own, you sleep around. Selflessly, you never tell her. This is your burden.


Too often, in our misinformation era, we believe ‘truths’ with no basis in empirical fact. It’s led to Brexit, to Trump and, most tragically, to your settling for a dull boyfriend who’s only an okay bone. Evidence is evidence and there’s only one way to collect it: take up your Moleskine notebook and measuring tape and get out there.


You are a loyal, loving person who would never contemplate cheating on your wife. Affairs ruin marriages and scar childhoods. So you’ve no option but to be absolutely sure before you marry her, which is why you’re getting all your infidelity out of the way while she’s still a mere girlfriend. That way you can go into marriage confident you’re doing the right thing.


Emily Wilding Davison threw herself under a horse to allow you the freedom to shag as many men as you choose. Not taking up this blood-bought opportunity would be to spit on her grave. Spit on your hand instead and go out, as the suffragettes would have wanted, and do the rounds to see if you’ve got the man you deserve or if there are better scrapings at the bottom of that barrel.

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Your astrological week ahead for June 8th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Watching the televised debate last week you reflect that, whatever happens, we’re going to be stuck with yet another short-arsed prime minister.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

By now Jim Beam and Jack Daniels are miserable old bastards who prefer a cup of tea, thanks.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

At school, you’d take turns to look after the class rabbit during the holidays. You’ve introduced that at work with the caretaker. If he dies you’ll have to find an identical 65-year-old man named Charlie.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

In modern, two-car households you can no longer hold sexy key-swapping parties. Everyone just ends up driving home alone in a stranger’s car.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Three-and-a-half hours? Not exactly f**king swift, is it?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A vasectomy takes the sperm out of the semen, but what if you want the sperm and no semen? Just those little guys flying along like one-legged trapeze artists.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It must be wonderful being a girlfriend, going to watch a big-budget blockbuster at the cinema, completely unable to see any of the CGI.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You’re glad Jack Grealish has been dropped from the England squad. You couldn’t have enjoyed the games while gazing at and envying his lovely, lovely hair.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The guy who came up with shoes for horses – what else did he invent? Stockings for donkeys? Christ that’s hot.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

The Pope should at least be able to levitate.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Inspired by club opening hours, your local supermarket is now open 8pm til 2am. Free entry for girls before 10pm. No trainers or Stone Island.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Wishing you a very Merry Childbirth and a Happy New Born.