HI, Chris here, Coldplay’s lead singer, songwriter and spokesperson. The famous one. Even I’d struggle to pick out the rest of the band in a police line-up. Or name them in a pub quiz. The lucky anonymous bastards.
It’s been a summer of heatwaves so you’ve probably all been having barbies, burning some Tesco own brand sausages and drinking stubby bottles of French lager. I know I have. Plus I’m over that plant-based bollocks after giving Gwynnie the heave-ho. I’m all about steak now. Barely cooked. Overpowering taste of charcoal. Chef’s kiss.
My barbecues have been legendary. Huge guest lists, great atmosphere, cracking food. But there’s a problem. All we’ve heard about all summer is the barbecues Oasis have been throwing.
I don’t think it’s petty to point out that my barbecues are superior in every respect to those of Noel and his idiot brother. For starters you won’t find a coked-up plumber in a bucket hat throwing piss around my garden while I’m griddling the chicken drumsticks.
Nor do I take a ‘dynamic pricing’ approach to my BBQs, resulting in guests bringing one pack of lamb kofta kebabs with them, then discovering Asda has charged them for four.
And I can’t believe that people found it funny that Oasis’s barbecues might be cancelled because Noel and Liam hate each other. Who wants to relive going to an unhappily married couple’s garden party? Not to mention the atmosphere of booze-fuelled menace at every Oasis BBQ. You don’t get that in my garden that when I’m singing Fix You and everyone’s crying their f**king eyes out.
So as you can see, I’m just pointing out the facts when I say my barbecues are just so much bigger and better than the Gallaghers’.
Full respect to Oasis though. They’ve done some quite good albums. Apart from Be Here Now, and everything after that. I think we can all agree that was all shit. Like their barbecues. I bet they don’t even marinate the lamb chops.
