By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who Britain let down by not rioting this summer

WHY shouldn’t I? After all, nobody else is paying. But while the Albanians can walk out with armfuls of diamond bracelets, you guessed it – it’s different for Brits. 

It was in Selfridges that the thought occurred, a store founded by the man who coined the immortal phrase ‘the customer is always right’. And on this occasion, the customer in question had a deliciously naughty idea. 

When 98.2 per cent of goods in UK stores are taken gratis and our self-service checkouts largely used as urinals, what was stopping me joining in? When police help shoplifters carry their hauls home while tasing have-a-go heroes left and right? 

There is only so much the British psyche, built on its bedrock of fair play and equitable treatment for all, can take. And, as Kipling wrote, when all around are taking make-up while you pay the mark-up then you’re the twat, my son. 

So, cheeks flushed with excitement, I snatched up a Mulberry bag and began shopping in earnest. Perfumes, mascara, a couple of silk Hermes scarves and a pair of Tom Ford sunglasses all went in. Who would stop me in Starmer’s Britain, where crime is the law? 

Finally, after deliberating between two Bvlgari watches and deciding ‘What the hell? I’ll have both’, I headed for the door, expecting the swarthy security guard to recognise a fellow criminal and hold it wide for me, perhaps with a bow. 

Instead? He barred my way. As if by magic, the constabulary appeared. Turning to each other, they asked: ‘Is she ethnic?’ ‘Nah.’ ‘Trans?’ ‘Nah.’ ‘A working-class slattern?’ ‘Nah. We’ve got one here, sarge.’ Turning back to me, he said ‘You’re f**king nicked, love.’ 

So I was carted to the police station in the back of a van like a common criminal, fingerprinted, charged and locked in a cell. And get this – they don’t even let you keep what you stole. Is that not the sharpest of injustices? 

My only reward? Proving that two-tier Britain, where only decent people who blanch at the very thought of committing crimes are arrested for them, is very real. My only consolation? Knowing no jury could ever convict.