The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Lucy Connolly: racist arson fantasies probably do count as racism

29th August 2025

WAKING up with a hangover so severe the multicoloured emanations from my brain are causing an aurora borealis in my bedroom, I look back at my important contribution to current affairs this week.

I had been asked to present a Songs Of Praise special, touching on any topic I chose. With viewing figures topping 20 million regularly, owing, I understand, to my lively and idiosyncratic presentational style, I am allowed this sort of latitude.

And so I sat down with the camera and spoke as follows: ‘My dearest brethren. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage…’ This went on for 50 minutes.

The effect on my mass audience was startling. A flood of complaints, generally to the effect that if the BBC mentioned fucking Nigel Farage once more they would stop paying their licence fee.

Unnerved, BBC executives agreed to a moratorium on any mention of Farage, barring the exceptional circumstances that he said or did anything genuinely newsworthy. He has not been on our screens since.

Satisfied with my efforts, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that according to local and national media, ‘large crowds’ have been gathering outside hotels containing asylum seekers for demonstrations.

Fuck my sponsored goat, have you seen the actual images? Or read the figures? More people turned up to see fucking Barrow FC or Accrington Stanley in the Fourth Division than turned out nationally to these demos! We’re talking two men and a Nazi dog! Yet such is the media’s weird, raging erection for the far-right they’re happy to wank over these scraps of humanity outnumbered ten to one by the police, but not report on 100,000 people who turned out on a trans rights demo! You may be fascist-fixated fuckwits, but at least do your fucking jobs!

A woman has announced that she has become engaged to her boyfriend.

No fucking way! Well, let’s clear the decks of the trivia of world affairs and gawp over this fucking important fact like the race of easily enthralled lemmings that we are! Congrats and all that, Taylor, but how many column miles do we really need about this? You know, I used to think God didn’t exist. Now I’m wondering if he’s just decided we’re not worth the bother and focused his attention on life-bearing planets 43 trillion light years away, diligently overseeing the affairs of six-legged alien crabs who don’t suffer from our chronic cuntitude!

Jonathan Ashworth, who lost his seat as a Labour MP to a pro-Palestine independent at the last election, has used his minor notability to opine on world affairs again. This week he said of the situation in Gaza: ‘I’ve been coming on programmes, it’s been going on for nearly two years now, saying we need a ceasefire.’

No you fucking haven’t, you lying, flabby-faced side of cunt! We’ve got this thing called the fucking internet. We can go back and see what you actually did say, which certainly wasn’t pro-fucking ceasefire, and in November 2023 you were so pro-ceasefire you fucking abstained from a vote on one! You are so full of shit it must hurt your sphincter on a daily basis! Anyway, as a failed Labour MP, why aren’t you working for a betting company or shilling for some fucking foreign dictatorship? You truly are a twat and three quarters!

Finally, Lucy Connolly is the subject of much media attention after becoming a cause celebre for right-wingers. She has now been released from prison for a tweet that said: ‘Mass deportation now, set fire to all the fucking hotels full of the bastards for all I care… if that makes me racist so be it.’ Since then she has described herself as a ‘political prisoner’.

First up – yeah, fantasising about burning darker-skinned people to death does make you racist, you nasty streak of fuck. Second, you’ve clearly learned fuck all in prison, so more constructive justice might be putting you in a fucking dinghy 15 miles offshore and seeing how long it took before you got rescued by asylum seekers in dinghies. It might teach you something, although I’m not holding out much fucking hope if you think dense racist tweets make you Nelson fucking Mandela!

How to host a barbecue that's actually better than Oasis's not that anyone f**king mentions it, by Chris Martin

28th August 2025

HI, Chris here, Coldplay’s lead singer, songwriter and spokesperson. The famous one. Even I’d struggle to pick out the rest of the band in a police line-up. Or name them in a pub quiz. The lucky anonymous bastards.

It’s been a summer of heatwaves so you’ve probably all been having barbies, burning some Tesco own brand sausages and drinking stubby bottles of French lager. I know I have. Plus I’m over that plant-based bollocks after giving Gwynnie the heave-ho. I’m all about steak now. Barely cooked. Overpowering taste of charcoal. Chef’s kiss.

My barbecues have been legendary. Huge guest lists, great atmosphere, cracking food. But there’s a problem. All we’ve heard about all summer is the barbecues Oasis have been throwing.

I don’t think it’s petty to point out that my barbecues are superior in every respect to those of Noel and his idiot brother. For starters you won’t find a coked-up plumber in a bucket hat throwing piss around my garden while I’m griddling the chicken drumsticks.

Nor do I take a ‘dynamic pricing’ approach to my BBQs, resulting in guests bringing one pack of lamb kofta kebabs with them, then discovering Asda has charged them for four.

And I can’t believe that people found it funny that Oasis’s barbecues might be cancelled because Noel and Liam hate each other. Who wants to relive going to an unhappily married couple’s garden party? Not to mention the atmosphere of booze-fuelled menace at every Oasis BBQ. You don’t get that in my garden that when I’m singing Fix You and everyone’s crying their f**king eyes out.

So as you can see, I’m just pointing out the facts when I say my barbecues are just so much bigger and better than the Gallaghers’.

Full respect to Oasis though. They’ve done some quite good albums. Apart from Be Here Now, and everything after that. I think we can all agree that was all shit. Like their barbecues. I bet they don’t even marinate the lamb chops.