THE Labour party has confirmed the nanny state is to take over every aspect of your life, down to and including your self-abuse.
The government yesterday announced it will be taking control of your diet, drinking, vaping, dentistry and onanism in a sweeping revolution, with the last subject to a 24-hour watchdog.
Health minister Wes Streeting, whose Ilford North constituents call him Wez Street ‘Ting, said: “For too long Britons have been tossing themselves off to whatever they like, however harmful.
“Whether borderline racist, avowedly misogynist or not updated since the 1990s, masturbation fantasies have been uncontrolled and deleterious to health. No more.
“From now on your wanking is controlled by quota according to region and restricted to a range of official fantasy scenarios. The days of Big Porn pushing users into unhealthy habits and unacceptable stepsister-based scenarios are over.
“Your schedule and fantasy will be sent to you by post. Follow it rigidly or expect a £1,000 statutory fine, with a £500 discount if paid within 14 days.”
