Labour to raise legal age for reading Daily Mail by a year every year

THE age at which people can buy the Daily Mail will rise by a year every year under a Labour government until its readership is phased out entirely.

Labour poised for election victory if this very specific situation is repeated everywhere

LABOUR is on the brink of forming at least a hung parliament if last night’s unique circumstances happen everywhere in the UK.

'General election now' says 13-year-old smoker who owns XL bully

A TEENAGE smoker who owns an XL bully is demanding that a general election is held immediately.

'It's grim up North' confirmed as official government policy

AFTER scrapping HS2 and abandoning levelling up, the Conservatives have confirmed that ‘It’s grim up North’ is now official government policy.

A migrant hurricane is very similar to a Sharknado, Braverman explains

THE home secretary has explained that a migrant hurricane is very similar to a classic Sharknado but even more deadly.

Not all renters smoke weed or are in gangs, though I am and so are all my mates

AS A working professional renting in zone three of London, I can confirm that not every renter smokes weed or is in a gang. Though obviously I do both.

Sunak planning to stage dive into mosh pit

THE prime minister is planning to turn his term of office around by stage-diving into the heaving mosh pit at the Tory party conference.

The Tory's guide to hooking up with other Tories at conference

YOUNG Conservative? At conference for the first time? Up for a five-day bacchanelia of sex, drugs, and chanting ‘Growth Queen’ at Liz Truss? Don’t do it alone.

Sunak on way to find out what's so great about this f**king 'Manchester'

THE prime minister is travelling to the so-called city of Manchester ahead of the Tory conference to see what all the fuss is about.

Braverman to redefine refugee as 'anyone who should have stayed home'

THE home secretary believes we should change refugee to mean ‘anyone who should have stayed in their own country and will be sent back there’.