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'They’ve betrayed my Brexit,' man says in small, pathetic voice

A MAN sitting at home alone watching news of a UK-EU deal has said ‘they’ve betrayed my Brexit’ almost too quietly and sadly to be heard. 

49-year-old Wayne Hayes, who voted to Leave in the 2016 referendum then spent four years being right, believes he has been cheated in every conceivable way though is afraid to shout about it in case he is asked to explain how.

He said: “Our current EU fishing deal rolled over for a further 12 years? This isn’t what I voted for, I don’t think.

“In truth, my memories of 2016-2020 are a bit confused. I mean I followed it at the time, but phrases like ‘prorogation’, ‘Northern Ireland backstop’ and ‘Malthouse Compromise’ mean nothing to me now.

“Still, I definitely voted for something and everyone said I was brilliant for doing it. Everyone said I’d won. I can’t imagine everyone getting that excited about reduced checks on EU food imports so it wasn’t that so, logically, my Brexit’s been betrayed.

“But where once I’d have been rioting in the streets, I’m struggling to get worked up about it now. Suella Braverman says Labour will never be forgiven for this appalling treachery, but is she even an MP?

“They have betrayed my Brexit, definitely. Still, no sense making a fuss.”

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The Strokes, and six other indie bands that got by on cool alone

IT isn’t all about the music, man. These bands had looks, charisma, fashion and tunes in that order and remain loved anyway: 

The Strokes

The Strokes proved if five of you all strode around in shades and leather jackets, no-one would notice your songs ripped off Tom Petty. The epitome of decadent New York cool, they set the rules for a decade of indie: don’t smile, don’t brush your hair, and don’t write songs with any kind of rhythmic or melodic variety. Oh, and definite article band name.

The Libertines

The UK’s answer to The Strokes, Pete Doherty and Carl Barât brought their British cool to a moribund music scene, which is to say Doherty was a f**ked-up mess on the verge of death. Fans enjoyed a vicarious drug-fuelled rock lifestyle a lot more than the actual records, as did Kate Moss. Somehow Doherty survived, ultimately the making band less cool.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Most new bands earn the odd chord before launching themselves, but most bands don’t have Karen O shouting shit to distract from their failings. Oozing confidence, her truncated surname boldly stated her intention to become an art-rock icon, a strategy which worked because there’s no real entrance exam for that.

Arctic Monkeys

Alex Turner is George Formby with an amp, but youthful energy, Northern charm and MySpace made his band heroes despite their dire name. Without the street cred I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor would be their sole hit and Turner would run a successful Sheffield window-cleaning business.

The White Stripes

The mystery of Jack and Meg’s relationship and their admirably consistent branding established the Stripes as cool. Musically? Heavily distorted blues riffs that have attracted only the attention of those already inclined since Jack went solo.  The thump thump drumming was like a toddler bashing at the kit they got for Christmas.

The Dandy Warhols

The image-obsessed Bowie was a fan, impressed at how far they’d got with so little. One song and an iPod ad, pretty much. Covered Brown Sugar with a cunning change of lyrics, proving they were even able to steal the cool of others.

Phoenix

The French are inherently cool, with their cool cigarettes and their cool lengthy lunch breaks. Formed in Versailles, they were cool enough to be included on the soundtrack to Lost in Translation, propelling them to a level of success they didn’t really deserve and couldn’t handle, sinking gladly back into cool obscurity.

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