JULIAN Cook, aged 46, is a knackered dad of five children. 38-year-old Lauren Hewitt lives alone in a flat with a washing machine not permanently full of PE kit. Can it work?
Lauren on Julian
First impression?
Sort of frantic, like he’d just escaped from an emergency. Shirt unironed. Had a catapult he’d apparently ‘forgotten’ in his jacket pocket. Said he’d been up all night but brushed off questions as to why, I assume partying by the exhaustion on his face.
How was conversation?
I made standard ‘what are you streaming?’ chat and he said he’s really into Bluey at the moment. I don’t know it. He said it’s televisual art and an episode called Sleepytime, featuring an extended dream sequence, brought him to tears. Arthouse cinema and in touch with his emotions. Hot.
Favourite thing about Julian?
He’s young at heart. Not many men would admit seeing Paddington 39 times, but he has and could quote the dialogue perfectly.
Memorable moments?
He asked if I like children. I said I do and I’d love to have some. He said ‘What about without even having to go through childbirth?’
A capsule description?
Frazzled, like an eccentric genius driven to distraction by his own endless creativity. He needs a woman’s touch.
Was there a spark?
I blushed when he asked if I’d like to one day cuddle in his duvet fort.
What happened afterwards?
He told me he had to leave because ‘bath time waits for no man’ and ‘the hamster has been put in the toaster’. I think they’re literary allusions I didn’t get.
What would you change about the evening?
He kept answering his phone and yelling ‘no, you can not have a party’. His roommate must be a real dick.
Will you see each other again?
He suggested we meet at the Soft Play, which sounds like a nightclub with a sexual element. I’m down. I’ll wear stockings.
Julian on Lauren
First impression?
Sexy. No Weetabix on her clothes. Even sexier than CBeebies presenter Evie Pickerill.
How was conversation?
After months of fantasising about a conversation with an adult woman, I realised I no longer know how to have one. I used the word ‘mutual’ then asked her to have a go at spelling it.
Favourite thing about Lauren?
That she wasn’t a child and there was only one of her. Also she was kind enough to wake me when I fell asleep between courses.
Memorable moments?
When she asked me what I thought of the new Sally Rooney and I smoothly segued into discussion of the latest Dog Man book. She wasn’t familiar with the series.
A capsule description?
Please, be naive enough to join me in my personal hell.
Was there a spark?
Maybe. It was either romance or my heart was racing from the three double espressos I drank with my starter.
What happened afterwards?
I raced home to find a five-year-old microwaving his sister’s sock. That babysitter was f**king useless.
What would you change about the evening?
When the waiter asked if we wanted dessert and I instinctively said ‘Only when she’s finished her main’ out of habit. I brushed it off as a commitment to sustainability.
Will you see each other again?
I’d like to, but we’d need a table for seven and a restaurant that serves nuggets.
