subscribe
/ Sign Out

'I have signed a historic trade deal with oh shit they're at war'

By Sir Keir Starmer, the prime minister you delightedly voted for only last year, remember?

THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war? 

Could they not have waited? Because we’ve just signed the largest and most beneficial trade agreement since leaving the EU in 2020, and yes I know they have nuclear weapons. And so does Pakistan. Who they’re at war with. Yes. 

Minor and soon-to-be-peacefully-settled conflicts nonwithstanding, the agreement reduces taxes on our imports including whiskey and luxury cars while promising Britons cheaper clothing and why now? Seriously? 

I’m getting shit from left and right because of poxy local elections, I come back with a major trade deal – beating Trump to it, by the way – and India goes and ruins it by firing a bunch of missiles. Thanks a f**king lot. 

And now Pakistan’s shot down five Indian jets. Right. Maybe this isn’t going to blow over quickly enough for everyone to celebrate my deal and change their voting intentions. 

Why are they even fighting anyway? Because of a line the British drew a hundred years ago? Mm. Yeah maybe we’re better off staying out of this one, apart from selling them arms. 

Still, historic deal, great day for Britain, I’m an international statesman focused on long-term economic growth etcetera. What? You’re calling me Two-Tier Keir over a perfectly ordinary National Insurance exemption? Honestly. F**k you people. 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Rice noodles and an eight-pack of Richmond sausages you must eat today: fine dining from the supermarket's reduced section

GREAT cooking is about spontaneity, and what could be more of the moment than a meal prepared using only the whoopsiest of yellow-stickered goods? Chef Joanna Kramer will be your guide:  

Rice noodles and eight on-their-date sausages

The perfect pairing of proteins and carbohydrates, texture and flavour, East and West. The most serendipitous of fusion cuisine. The grease on the sausages will impart enough flavour to make this stunning, pale bargain register on the tastebuds. Remember, consume before midnight or you’ll be extremely ill!

Yellowing broccoli and some wafer thin ham

Broccoli is one of nature’s superfoods, even if these particular stems look a little jaundiced. Twirl the ham around it for a witty on-the-budget take on asparagus wrapped in Parma ham. Classy, especially when eaten alone lit only by a laptop showing pornography.

A blue smoothie and a squashed cheese quiche

That this tart has been crushed beyond recognition means that it can only be sold at a discounted price, and also that you can refer to it as ‘deconstructed’. Hello, El Bulli! And what it doesn’t have in structural integrity, it retains in freshness. That unpopular, alien-shaded smoothie will wash down the dry crust.

Microwave lentil soup and coronation chicken filling

Soup and a sandwich: a classic combination. All that’s missing here is the bread, which can be summoned from your imagination as you alternate sips of scalding, bland broth with chilled yellow chunks of chicken. God save the King.

A Cornish pasty and a lettuce

A pasty on its own? Hardly nutritious enough to constitute a meal, unless you’re an 18th-century tin miner. But pair it with an entire head of lettuce that’s been on the turn since Thursday which you’re chomping through like a hungry tortoise, and you’ve got a balanced and boldly British meal.

A family size moussaka and six cream horns

Put this on the menu, Heston Blumenthal: a meal for six bought at 9.38pm, with just two hours and 22 minutes of freshness left. Not safe for freezing? Challenge accepted. Godspeed, you culinary maverick.

Next story ›