When to put the knife in, by Michael Gove

HELLO, Gove here, taking bookings for hook-ups. But when I’m not enjoying single life I like to lurk in the shadows and betray. This is how to pick your moment.

'They're just jealous of his pretty wife': Your gran's muddled view of Boris Johnson

EVER wondered why pensioners like your gran keep voting Tory? Here are some strange distortions of the facts a worrying number of older people seem to believe.

Six other things less popular than Theresa May in 2018

THE prime minister is less popular among his own MPs than Theresa May in 2018, when she was less popular than scabies. What else is he as unpopular as?

Public happy enough to watch him suffer

THE public has confirmed it is content to watch an impaled Boris Johnson wriggle like a worm on a hook for a while before being finished off.

Suck it, Britain

MY MPs tried to kick me out. The country booed me at the Jubilee. But I’m here with one thing to say to the turncoats: suck my big posh dick.

Am I to be damned forever for a single flaw? Johnson asks heavens

BORIS Johnson has lamented that a single error, committed multiple times over a year, seems set to blight his long and distinguished career of public service.

How the vote of no confidence has already been unanimously won: Nadine Dorries explains

TODAY’S vote of no confidence called by the biased media was won with the prime minister receiving 100 per cent of the vote before it even took place. Here’s how.

What a wonderful start to the working week, agrees Britain

THE UK has had a lovely four days off celebrating the Jubilee before returning to work for a pleasant day of getting rid of Boris Johnson.

The fence-sitting Conservative MP's guide to deciding whether Johnson's totally f**ked yet

ARE you a Tory MP trying to work out whether Boris Johnson is f**ked enough for you to hand in a letter of no confidence? Here’s how to decide.

The crimes I will commit when I am prime minister, by Sir Keir Starmer

GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes: