Politics

Fellate Paddington: How Sunak can claw back his patriotic credentials

SUNAK hates Britain and backed the Nazis during World War Two, most Britons now believe. This is what he must do to show he’s a hardcore flag-shagger.

We ask you: is it wrong to politicise Rishi Sunak f**king off D-Day veterans to be on telly?

THE prime minister chose not to disrespect ITV, our greatest terrestrial channel, by missing his interview with them. Are opponents wrong to make this a political issue?

I would also have left D-Day early, clarifies Sunak

Sorry, didn’t realise you were all a bunch of history nerds

THE prime minister has apologised for leaving the D-Day service early but he was unaware that you were all a lame bunch of history swots.

'Being fined for dangerously speeding on the motorway got your attention,' says triumphant Ed Davey

AFTER trying to make the electorate notice him with a series of entertaining japes, Sir Ed Davey has finally got the attention he craves by being fined for speeding.

Farage doesn't know he's boring

We ask you: how much of last night's debate did you get through before muttering 'f**k this' and turning off?

RISHI Sunak and Keir Starmer faced each other in a head-to-head debate last night. How much did you see before disgust overwhelmed you?

Neither Starmer or Sunak win any money for their respective charities

A DISMAL pair of contestants on last night's ITV debate failed to win a single penny for their respective charities, it has been confirmed.

'They love me in Clacton' says man milkshaked on first day

Last five years don't count because I had my fingers crossed, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has asserted that his last five years in government, covering his time as chancellor and prime minister, do not count because his fingers were crossed.