Woke blob can only hurt you if you believe in it

THE ‘woke blob’ of civil servants which terrifies Daily Telegraph readers can only hurt you if you believe it is real, it has emerged.

Tory MP this close to eating bowl of sewage live on breakfast TV

A CONSERVATIVE MP is teetering on the brink of gulping down a bowl of raw sewage live on TV, it has emerged.

Why am I picking fruit? Cause and effect made simple for Brexiters

THERE’S now a desperate shortage of fruit pickers and lorry drivers, and if there was any justice in the world Brexiters would have to do it. For their benefit, here’s how cause and effect work.

Get your Suella Braverman White Person Guilt Exemption card here

SUELLA Braverman, by the powers granted her as a non-white Conservative, has granted you as a white person exemption from guilt. Collect your card here.

Bunch of unemployable shitheads want Boris back

JACOB Rees-Mogg, Priti Patel and other shitheads who would never be employed in any reasonable government have announced they want their old boss back.

I was high as f**k holding that sword

PENNY Mordaunt has confessed she was off her tits on recreational narcotics while holding the sword at the Coronation.

I was losing faith in Trump. But now he's officially a sex attacker, I'm back in

TRUMP? Yesterday’s news. What’s he done since failing to overturn an election by sheer force of will? But now that’s all changed.

'I like a woman that knows how to carry a sword': Britain's problematic boner for Penny Mordaunt

ADMIRERS of the MP for Portsmouth North lost in fantasies of her and the Jewelled Sword of Offering have explained their helpless arousal. All names changed.

Big gains for Anyone But The F**king Tories

THE unofficial coalition of Labour, the Lib Dems, Greens and independents known as Anyone But The F**king Tories has made huge gains in local elections.

How to be disenfranchised by bullshit in today's local elections: A guide

TODAY local elections will be held around the country which, because of some Tory bollocks, you will not be able to vote in. Here’s how it will work.