ELON Musk has belatedly discovered every friendship with Trump goes the same way: he profits, you lose. These are the stages:
Acclamation
You’re powerful? You could help Trump? Then welcome to the Oval Office Mr Kanye West, Mr Nigel Farage, Mr Elon Musk and son. You’re the best of friends! He laughs uncomprehendingly at your jokes and waits for you to finish sentences. He gets away with anything! You could too!
Usefulness
A golden age of proximity to power begins as Trump takes you to Mar-A-Lago on Air Force One, sharing confidences and spilling nuclear secrets. Dazzled by opulence, you agree to do a little something for him as if you’ve never seen a Mafia movie. Could be being his campaign chair, could be DOGE. Will certainly involve giving him millions.
Overexcitement
Nothing can stop you! You’re abolishing government agencies, scooping up fat contracts, titting around with a chainsaw on stage with that sideburned Brazilian. If anything goes wrong your pal, your soulmate, Trump will sort it out. He’ll sell your cars on the White House lawn for you, that’s how close you are.
Falling from favour
What’s changed? Was it arranging a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping? Was it mildly criticising the One Big Beautiful Bill Act (official name)? Either way he’s sick of you and you’re feeling sick, remembering all the lawbreaking you did while under his orange umbrella.
Denounced
On Truth Social. “LOSER”? “Wearing thin”? A robotic clone? F**king anything could come out of the blithering shit’s mouth and be reported as fact. Meanwhile your exposing the Epstein Files, usually a right-wing obsession, is ignored and you personally lose billions and everyone hates you.
Prison
Usually. Only long enough for you to be pardoned, having learned your lesson. Despite all this being rather Soviet it will never happen to Trump’s truest friend, Putin.
