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Middle East fixed, proclaims Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has announced that after a single intervention by the greatest leader the world has ever known, the Middle East is now fixed. 

Following strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities, Trump has declared a ceasefire and that all problems in the region are solved, all enmity over, and that all countries will live in peace and harmony henceforward.

He continued: “Loser presidents couldn’t do it. But myself and Benjy, a truly unmatchable team like Riggs and Murtaugh, have fixed the whole Middle East for good.

“Iran’s dealt with. The Saudis love me. Qatar is a great personal friend of mine. Israel’s top dog. Whoever the others are, they’re all in agreement. This is settled permanently.

“The Gaza Trump resort, being built currently – a statue of me 80ft high made of solid gold, so beautiful – will make the perfect base to tour the whole region. It gets incredible weather, the greatest, and has the best oil.

“Bush’s Gulf War, the other Bush’s Iraq War, both total failures. Trump comes in and in no more than a fortnight gets it done. This will be the world’s most peaceful region for decades to come. What would they fight about? How great I am?”

He added: “They’re violating the ceasefire already? No they’re not. Tell them ‘time out’.”

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Working-class man thinks Nutribullet is sex toy

A WORKING-class man dating a middle-class woman has admitted being shocked and aroused by how openly she discusses her Nutribullet use. 

Plasterer Wayne Hayes matched with solicitor Jo Kramer on Hinge and believes the relationship is going well, but was not ready to be told that she cannot live without the device and uses it up to three times a day.

He said: “It’s never the ones you expect, is it? She even mentioned using it with root vegetables and bananas, the dirty bitch.

“We were discussing diet when she veered off into an erotic digression I’m frankly still wanking to, all about its ergonomic shape and how it discreetly vibrates away until it’s done. She even sticks her finger in and licks it. I was so hard it was lifting the table.

“But I wasn’t sure when she offered me a go. I’m a modern man but not that bloody modern. I said, what if word got out to the lads that I was into that kind of thing? It could ruin me.

“Still when I go over to hers, she’s going to show me how it works right there in the kitchen. F**king hell.”

Kramer said: “I’ve invited Wayne back to mine to check out the Nutribullet. He seems to live on pies. He won’t make it to 40.”

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