subscribe
/ Sign Out

The cost of Rachel Reeves's spending spree based on how much you hate her

THE chancellor yesterday outlined a government spending spree of either £113bn, £300bn, or £4 trillion, depending on the strength of your loathing for her. Which are you? 

Simpering do-gooder lefty scum: £113 billion

Not nearly enough. Why, at these pathetic levels public sector workers may face pay pressure in three years, and it doesn’t reverse any of those terrible cuts hurting the less fortunate who only vote Reform because they feel neglected and put-upon.

Rachel Reeves hate-o-meter: Contempt certainly, unease at the suspicion she’s better than you at maths because you work in the arts, and strong feelings a better haircut would help. 2/10

Salt-of-the-earth working bastard: £300 billion

Women spend what they haven’t bloody got, and this one’s no exception. It’s far too much and it’s going to mean more taxes, which means you doing more cash-in-hand for dodgy twats. Also, why wasn’t 100 per cent of GDP committed to stopping the asylums and another 150 per cent for defence? It’s what Boris Johnson wants and didn’t do.

Rachel Reeves hate-o-meter: Fierce, shouting-‘daft bint’-at-the-telly disgust. She can’t add up! She only said she could on her CV. The truth is she reminds you of when you get called in by HR. 6/10

Delusional online ultra-right Farage/Trump/Putin acolyte: £4 trillion

Dire forecasts of the entire US national debt post-Trump’s Booty Bill are $4 trillion. Rachel Reeves is spending even more. £57,971 per head, none of which will improve British lives in any material way and all of which will be taken from your pay, your bank, your home. You await the trigger for revolution: a crime committed which could possibly be by a non-white person.

Rachel Reeves hate-o-meter: You sleep fists clenched, teeth grinding, her primary-school-headteacher face floating before you. Each morning you wake hoping Good Morning Britain will be reassuringly be presented by a post-coup military junta. Even the crows on the branches croak ‘Reeeves’, mockingly. 22/10

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'You're sweet' and other compliments which mean 'you are of no sexual interest to me'

UNSURE if you’re being chatted up or consigned to the friend zone? These telling phrases mean it will never, ever turn physical between you: 

‘You’re sweet’

The linguistic equivalent of a pat on the head. Nobody in the history of humanity has purred the words ‘you’re sweet’ into the ears of their crush before pushing them onto their bed and going at their genitalia, so if you hear this don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re the exception. It also implies you’re kind of dim.

‘You’re like a brother to me’

Unpacking this compliment like a cryptic crossword clue? The word to focus on here is ‘brother’. The speaker has deliberately chosen this word because it is familial, therefore placing you sexually off-limits. Notice she didn’t say ‘oiled up Adonis’ or ‘f**king hot piece of ass’, which may have suggested that you were in with a chance.

‘You’re cute’

Sounds promising, right? American teens say this to each other? You are neither American nor a teen, however, and this adjective has been chosen for its neutering quality. It was said in the condescending tone of a parent who’s been handed a particularly awful drawing by their child. Cease leaning in for a kiss immediately and begin apologising.

‘My friend finds you attractive’

A classic deflection dressed up as a compliment. Whether or not her friend finds you attractive is up for debate – she doesn’t – but the message is to refocus your romantic attention onto a third party. Meanwhile, while you’re distracted, the speaker will be diving into the nearest Uber and begging the driver to floor it.

‘You’re such a gentleman’

Chivalry is dead for a reason: it doesn’t get you sex. Despite knowing better, women are still drawn to bad boys over well-mannered foppish types. Being a ‘gentleman’ in these circumstances means she’s aware you’re attracted to her and is grateful you’re too cowardly to ever make a pass.

Next story ›