IT’S obvious that Trump’s minions have to utterly abase themselves or be booted out like Mike Waltz. So would you have the lack of self-respect you need? Take our quiz.
On a work trip to London, your boss claims to know his way around but your group becomes hopelessly lost. What do you do?
A) Point out you’re lost and stop listening to your boss’s directions.
B) Diplomatically say you “must have taken a wrong turn” and use Google Maps instead.
C) Doggedly keep up the pretence that your boss is right, saying things like: “Yes, Big Ben should be right here in, er, Tottenham. They’ve probably taken it down for cleaning.”
Your boss claims to have invented a new narrative technique for explaining things which he calls ‘the weave’. What do you say to him?
A) “No, that is just rambling about unconnected topics like Hannibal Lecter, whales and groceries, and saying it requires intelligence is delusional nonsense.”
B) “Obviously ‘the weave’ is great but I think sometimes it’s best to make a point in a way that people can actually understand. But that’s just me.”
C) “Gosh, you really are a better storyteller than Charles Dickens, Frederick Forsyth and Stephen King rolled into one. And every idea you explain using ‘the weave’ is just so clear. I loved how you jumped from saying our colleague Karoline is ‘a hot piece of ass’ to giving an incorrect account of how we drill for oil. It all seems so obvious now!”
Your boss has a terrible idea for cornering the market in ‘smart phones for pets’. What do you do?
A) Try to stop laughing before you strain something.
B) Point out there is no evidence of animals ever using language or understanding the concept of phones. And anyway a smart watch would make more sense because they don’t have pockets.
C) Ignore the obvious lunacy of this project and start thinking of crass marketing slogans like ‘Give the Dog a Phone’ and cook up some ludicrous sales projections, eg. “If every dog in the world pays £400 for a phone we’re looking at revenues of £280 trillion in the first year – and that’s not even considering the gerbil market!”
Your boss wishes to use you as a footstool. How do you respond?
A) Say: “What? No way. That’s a joke, right?”
B) Calmly but firmly say that is not the job you applied for, although you are happy to order him a footstool from Amazon and claim it back on expenses.
C) Ask if his feet are comfortable enough, or should you put a pillow on your back, and would he also like you to also kneel by his desk with your mouth open to act as a handy bin-cum-toilet?
Your boss, it transpires, firmly believes himself to be a genius despite there being no evidence for this. How do you react?
A) Sarcastically ask if all geniuses have the vocabulary of a toddler.
B) Say something noncommittal about people being intelligent in different ways and swiftly move on.
C) Say he is a definitely a genius and that ‘all the experts’ agree the main indicators of a genius-level IQ are a short attention span and the random use of ALL CAPS.
How did you do?
Mostly As: Sorry, you are not really suited to sucking up to Trump, due to your bluntness and habit of not lying. You’ll be fired within hours for a career-ending gaffe like: “No, RFK, drinking whale semen does not cure cancer.”
Mostly Bs: Your naturally diplomatic approach will avoid friction, but the slightest questioning of a patently insane idea like bringing back slavery will get you sacked anyway, so that was a waste of time.
Mostly Cs: You’ll fit in well with Trump’s team for now at least, due to being a loathsome shit-munching toady who’d pimp your own granny if your sleazy scumbag of a boss told you to. Get out your bank card. Does it say Mr JD Vance by any chance? Thought so.
