THE entire media has taken up a chant of ‘Go right-wing!’ aimed at all political parties, while leaping up and down excitedly. 

Outlets from the BBC to Sky to the Telegraph have concluded today’s results are not because Labour front-loaded their time in office with the shit stuff, because the Tories are over or because council elections do not matter, but because all voters are right-wing now.

Political commentator Denys Finch Hatton said: “No other option. Go right, further right and just when you think you’ve gone right all you can, gotta go right a little bit more.

“It’s the only conclusion. What, are we saying Labour lost by six votes because their pissed-up MP started fights with constituents? Jenkyns became mayor because Lincolnshire is nutter central? This was a fun protest vote? Get real.

“Labour landslide less than a year ago? Irrelevant. That was a mere general. A limited selection of council and mayoral elections are a much clearer indicator.

“Unless Starmer immediately announces mass deportations, wokeness show trials and that he is Trump’s cringing little bitch, he’s lost. Go right, go right, go right!”

Nigel Farage said: “Don’t mind if I do.”