WAKING up with a hangover the size of Leamington Spa, if Leamington Spa were the size of Greater London, I vomit up the majority of my stomach lining and take 18 Solpadeines.
As I do so, I am interrupted by a knock at the door. I open it – a stranger stands without.
‘Ah, Archbishop,’ he says, inviting himself in. ‘I thought I would follow up on some of the ideas I discussed with you last time we -’
‘Pardon me,’ I said. ‘Who are you?’
‘Ed Davey,’ he replies, blinking. ‘We’ve met several times.’
‘I do not know any Edward Davey.’
‘Leader of the Liberal Democrats.’
‘Ah – a new party? Reminds me of the Social Democratic Party. They didn’t fare well.’
‘No! We’ve been around for decades! I sit in Parliament.’
‘And what are your policies? What do you stand for?’
‘Well, none of any note, and nothing, really. But the point is -’
‘That will probably be why I have no recollection of you. If I could direct you to the egress? Off you piss, Edward, but good luck to you and the Democratic Liberals.’
‘Liberal Democrats!’ barks the fellow. ‘There’s a huge difference -’ but I shut the door on his nose.
That unpleasantness concluded, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that on Radio 4’s PM show Evan Davis asked if ‘Danny Tommo’ ‘had any kind of point’ by puncturing a dinghy with a knife, because the authorities ‘should be doing that themselves’. He also described it as ‘vigilante action’.
Holy shitting mother of Christ, have you no control over the fucking turds that come sliding out of your mouth? The authorities should be puncturing dinghies with rescuers still in them? This isn’t fucking vigilantism, this is more like fucking terrorist violence and you can bet if some pro-Palestinian group did it the police would have swarmed and arrested them like a fucking shot! The insane contortions the BBC has twisted itself into trying to normalise these blackshorted cunts are beyond fucking belief! In the next edition why don’t you just cut to the chase and dox a few fucking RNLI crews yourself?
Having considered retirement, Cristiano Ronaldo has declared he still wishes to pursue his international career and was picked for Portugal’s match last night against Wales.
This is fucking gonna go on till you’re 60, isn’t it? Ie. in about three years’ time! Seriously, why doesn’t David Beckham come out of retirement and declare himself available for selection and scare the shit out of the England management with his celebrity heft so they’re forced to pick the fucker? Portuguese football, have the courage to do what other people in the twat Ronaldo’s life did and say no! Say no!
Tony Blair, a founding member of Trump’s ‘Board of Peace’, has criticised the use of the words ‘Free Palestine’, saying Palestinians need ‘a solution, not slogans’. He went on to observe that 70 per cent of Gaza had been ‘destroyed’.
Yeah? And how did that happen? Earthquakes? A meteor? Did people do it, and if so whom? Say it, you vile, murder-enabling fucking war criminal, it was the genocidal Israeli government who you’ve pathetically and tacitly supported! ‘Free Palestine’ is the fucking solution, you bug-eyed fucking maniac! And anyone who dwells in the anus of Donald Trump is in no position to offer any kind of fucking solution to anything. Seriously, when you look in the mirror, do you see anything at all or just the fucking mantelpiece behind you?
Finally, Suella Braverman, now of Reform UK, has raged against inauthentically English people, including herself. ‘I’m not English,’ she wrote this week. ‘Yes, I was born in England, speak English… but English is an ethnicity.’ She criticised the Conservatives for saying that ‘anyone, so long as they’re born here, can be English’.
What the fuck are you trying to say here, you awful, loathsome streak of fucking toxin? That if Reform came in and insisted on mass deportations back to where people ‘came from’, you’d cheerfully be first on the outbound dinghy? Have you got any idea who your own bigoted voters are? I mean, this is some of the weirdest, worse-than-Uncle-Tom crap I’ve read in a fucking lifetime! The latest paroxysm of contorted, twisted bollocks from the currently deeply confused fucking Reform, sinking under the weight of their own shit!
