Aries, March 21st–April 19th
[overexcited extra in November Rain video, waiting for cue] “I think in a sudden heavy rain situation like this my character would definitely vault into the cake.”
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Men drink too much and should meet for coffee instead. It descends into necking pint after pint of cappuccino. Jordan comes out with a tray of expressos and everyone cheers. Fat Darren does one straight into his eyeball.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s not the moon.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
No wonder people say ‘I don’t want to get into a pissing competition’. There’s so many variables. Colour, stream, maximum time, artistic expression. Exhausting.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
I was using alcohol as a crutch. And that’s how I broke the other leg.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You can’t take it with you. That supermarket trolley. Put it back.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
“Why do we never pack on the PDA any more?” “Don’t blame me. I can’t remember the last time you showed off your curves or put on a leggy display.”
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Love is patient. Love is kind. Except the Love who’s the lead singer of Hole.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
No, my nan doesn’t like sweets, she does oil paintings with a lunchtime group. You must have misheard when I said she keeps offering me worthless originals.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
I brought some homemade blondies. All right, I’ll stop calling my children that.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Cruel to taunt Sydney Sweeney with ‘this is what a woman in sports looks like,’ knowing she cannot even run because of her grossly oversized breasts.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
“Hi, is that the Samaritans? Can you give me the number of the Good Samaritans?”
