The Archbishop of Canterbury on… The Guardian, not obsessing about Sydney Sweeney in this lengthy article about her

18th September 2026

WAKING with a hangover so intense that I usefully throw up my appendix, I take on my customary gallons of water and am about to retire to bed when there is a knock at the door.

I pad over and open it. There stands a short fellow, blinking hard, with slicked back hair and spectacles. I recognise him immediately as Keir Starmer.

‘Archbishop,’ he says, ‘As a man of the cloth, I was hoping to run a few ideas past you as to my future.’

‘Who are you?’ I say, thinking quickly.

‘Keir Starmer!’ he says.

I adopt a wryly sceptical expression.

‘Of course you are, very funny,’ I say.

‘But I am Keir Starmer,’ he protests. ‘We’ve met on several occasions. I was prime minister!’

‘Pull the other one, pal! There’s no way a former prime minister could be so deeply unmemorable as a person, and so lacking in any sort of purpose he’d bother me! Most amusing, I’m sure, but stop wasting my time now. I’ve got a piss brewing and it’ll go directly into your face if you don’t let me attend to it!’

I shut the door and from a window I see the fellow plodding disconsolately across the road. Thank God that worked, I muse piously.

With a shrug, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Ed Sheeran dismissed his support act Macklemore at the behest of pro-Israel stadium owner Robert Kraft, after the rapper said ‘Free Palestine’ onstage. Sheeran says he wishes to remain neutral on the issue.

Fuck me with a gardening implement, you will go down in history as one cowardly, genocide-enabling, useless fucking divot! You’ve got £300 million in the bank, you can do what the fuck you want, you stupid twat! You could have told this Kraft cunt to go take a running jump up his own arse but you fumbled the moment and now no one wants to fucking support you! They’ve given you the collective finger, so that’s you fucked, isn’t it? Still, no problem separating the art from the fucking artist this time! An awful shite who makes awful shite!

This week the Guardian printed a piece by Marina Hyde whose strapline read, ‘Outraged by Sydney Sweeney? More fool you’.

Er, what the fuck is that all about? I have no interest in and no opinion on Sydney fucking Sweeney! I wouldn’t even know about her latest microscopic ‘controversy’ if the Guardian didn’t keep trying to tell me about her! And now this chiding bollocks? Here’s the media at work, throwing shit on the fire and stoking it repeatedly to interest you in their own obsessions, and then gaslighting their readers about their own fucking response to it? Fuck right off! Also, what’s all this bollocks about you wanting fucking JK Rowling as Prime Minister, you unbelievably overrated, insidious fucking hack?

US senator Mitch McConnell made a return to the Senate following a months-long absence during which speculation was rife that he might actually be dead. Video cameras were not allowed as he was wheeled in, but he later appeared to be barely conscious.

Fuck me, you weird, horrible, America-ruining, tortoise-faced cunt, enjoying financial privileges you voted against ordinary Americans having! None of them would have received the payments you have for sagging off work for half a fucking year! Just fucking admit that if you’re not technically dead, you’re as good as dead, rather than drawing a fat wage for barely fucking existing!

Finally, King Charles has issued an oblique rebuttal to Earl Spencer, whose memoirs are being serialised. Spencer alleged that Charles told him in a heated phone call after Diana’s death that ‘Rest assured, we’ll forget her soon enough’.

You fucking know what? In a fucking way, he was right. No twat under the age of about 50 gives a shit about Diana, or thinks about her! Ultimately she was there to give a desperately ailing institution a modern fucking gloss that it couldn’t fucking handle, but she did piss all to impress herself on the minds of anyone born in the 21st century! She may as well have been fucking Mary of Teck! You’re worried that soon enough we won’t just have forgotten about her but you as well, Charles, you capillary-nosed tosser! And you, Earl Spencer, notable for fuck all except being angry at the fucking Royal family! Death by irrelevance to the fucking lot of you, you gilded fucking parasites!

You can get pregnant from a toilet seat: six true sex myths with the Mash sex columnist

15th September 2026

HAVE well-meaning people tried to debunk the sex myths you grew up with? Throw their lies back into their rationalist faces, because each of these is an actual fact:

You can get pregnant from a toilet seat

It is scientifically proven, though not in any biological sense, that if a man ejaculates onto a toilet seat and a fertile woman innocently sits on it, those resourceful sperms will swim right up her legs and into the vagina and the egg. And men, those filthy f**kers, ejaculate onto toilet seats all the time.

The pull-out method works

Did you know that the pull-out method worked as effective contraception right up until the invention of condoms? That’s why so many medieval families were so small, often with only two or three surviving children. Anything you hear otherwise is just propaganda bought and paid for by Durex lobbyists. He does have to actually pull out though.

Porn is an accurate depiction of sex

Porn may not be entirely realistic – not every caller to a home is rewarded with sex, and being trapped does not make all women horny – but the basics are there. Most women do come from indifferent thrusting, they all love anal, and their noises of pleasure are indistinguishable from the frantic yelps of a Pomeranian being crushed under a sofa cushion.

Contraception is the woman’s responsibility

While the pull-out method is infallible, ultimately it falls on the woman to ensure she doesn’t become pregnant. Men don’t possess the critical thinking skills to know if they want children, do not understand how condoms work and prefer to leave the hard decisions in the hands of women because they at least like babies.

Bigger is better

Sorry, lads. It’s always been true. Size does matter and studies have shown that massive cocks are always the way to go. Women need that length and girth to reach the sexiest parts of the vagina, and yours has never, ever satisfied her. Luckily dildos are inexpensive and come in a range of colours.

Penetration is the only real sex

Rumours have been spread that ‘oral’ sex still counts as sex, and that even giving your boss a handjob has sexual connotations. But don’t be fooled. The only true act of sex is the insertion of one penis into one vagina and/or bumhole. Anything else is just foreplay.