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'The biggest issue facing Britain today? I can't have a snakebite-and-black watching Everton'

From the ongoing correspondence between the prime minister and David Gedge, lead singer of The Wedding Present

Dear Gedgey,

IT was a perfect moment. Me and Carney watching Everton bang Wolves out of the League Cup. Except even as prime minister I couldn’t get a pint of diesel. 

The tentacles of Thatcherism are everywhere, I mused. Then it hit me. ‘Mark,’ I said. ‘I’m prime minister now. I can get this fixed. I can give football fans their purple nectar, or a Pernod and black for the girls, back again.’

Mark Carney, prime minister of Canada, he’s kind of a cool guy for a label suit, said: ‘Should our focus not be on forging long-term transatlantic economic alliances over minor adjustments to English licensing law?’ I ignored him. I’m a raven-haired maverick.

I mean bloody hell, if they’re serving pints at Oasis’s Emirates gigs? The correspondence between the crowd at that and a City game must be 1:1 unless County are at home that day.

Anyway Gedgey, I know you’re a Red but you must agree it’s genius policies like this that will win the election. This and letting youngsters do plastering GCSEs. I’m pushing to get shoegaze on the syllabus – it’s booming in the US – for next year.

I went to the UN, which sucked. Met Trump which was kind of like if the Sex Pistols had met Elvis. Gave AI a kicking because it’s ruining music even worse than home taping did.

Now I’m back in the UK for autumn, which I love because it’s great for being miserable in a trenchcoat, I’ll focus on this booze-at-football thing. There’s a budget coming but I don’t have to deliver that.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Did you get that original vinyl of George Best I sent over to get signed? Only there’s an empty frame waiting in Downing Street.

Yours in indie, Andy

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Your astrological week ahead for September 19th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

[overexcited extra in November Rain video, waiting for cue] “I think in a sudden heavy rain situation like this my character would definitely vault into the cake.”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Men drink too much and should meet for coffee instead. It descends into necking pint after pint of cappuccino. Jordan comes out with a tray of expressos and everyone cheers. Fat Darren does one straight into his eyeball.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s not the moon.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

No wonder people say ‘I don’t want to get into a pissing competition’. There’s so many variables. Colour, stream, maximum time, artistic expression. Exhausting.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

I was using alcohol as a crutch. And that’s how I broke the other leg.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You can’t take it with you. That supermarket trolley. Put it back.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

“Why do we never pack on the PDA any more?” “Don’t blame me. I can’t remember the last time you showed off your curves or put on a leggy display.”

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Love is patient. Love is kind. Except the Love who’s the lead singer of Hole.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

No, my nan doesn’t like sweets, she does oil paintings with a lunchtime group. You must have misheard when I said she keeps offering me worthless originals.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

I brought some homemade blondies. All right, I’ll stop calling my children that.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Cruel to taunt Sydney Sweeney with ‘this is what a woman in sports looks like,’ knowing she cannot even run because of her grossly oversized breasts.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“Hi, is that the Samaritans? Can you give me the number of the Good Samaritans?”

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