WAKING with a hangover so intense that I usefully throw up my appendix, I take on my customary gallons of water and am about to retire to bed when there is a knock at the door.
I pad over and open it. There stands a short fellow, blinking hard, with slicked back hair and spectacles. I recognise him immediately as Keir Starmer.
‘Archbishop,’ he says, ‘As a man of the cloth, I was hoping to run a few ideas past you as to my future.’
‘Who are you?’ I say, thinking quickly.
‘Keir Starmer!’ he says.
I adopt a wryly sceptical expression.
‘Of course you are, very funny,’ I say.
‘But I am Keir Starmer,’ he protests. ‘We’ve met on several occasions. I was prime minister!’
‘Pull the other one, pal! There’s no way a former prime minister could be so deeply unmemorable as a person, and so lacking in any sort of purpose he’d bother me! Most amusing, I’m sure, but stop wasting my time now. I’ve got a piss brewing and it’ll go directly into your face if you don’t let me attend to it!’
I shut the door and from a window I see the fellow plodding disconsolately across the road. Thank God that worked, I muse piously.
With a shrug, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Ed Sheeran dismissed his support act Macklemore at the behest of pro-Israel stadium owner Robert Kraft, after the rapper said ‘Free Palestine’ onstage. Sheeran says he wishes to remain neutral on the issue.
Fuck me with a gardening implement, you will go down in history as one cowardly, genocide-enabling, useless fucking divot! You’ve got £300 million in the bank, you can do what the fuck you want, you stupid twat! You could have told this Kraft cunt to go take a running jump up his own arse but you fumbled the moment and now no one wants to fucking support you! They’ve given you the collective finger, so that’s you fucked, isn’t it? Still, no problem separating the art from the fucking artist this time! An awful shite who makes awful shite!
This week the Guardian printed a piece by Marina Hyde whose strapline read, ‘Outraged by Sydney Sweeney? More fool you’.
Er, what the fuck is that all about? I have no interest in and no opinion on Sydney fucking Sweeney! I wouldn’t even know about her latest microscopic ‘controversy’ if the Guardian didn’t keep trying to tell me about her! And now this chiding bollocks? Here’s the media at work, throwing shit on the fire and stoking it repeatedly to interest you in their own obsessions, and then gaslighting their readers about their own fucking response to it? Fuck right off! Also, what’s all this bollocks about you wanting fucking JK Rowling as Prime Minister, you unbelievably overrated, insidious fucking hack?
US senator Mitch McConnell made a return to the Senate following a months-long absence during which speculation was rife that he might actually be dead. Video cameras were not allowed as he was wheeled in, but he later appeared to be barely conscious.
Fuck me, you weird, horrible, America-ruining, tortoise-faced cunt, enjoying financial privileges you voted against ordinary Americans having! None of them would have received the payments you have for sagging off work for half a fucking year! Just fucking admit that if you’re not technically dead, you’re as good as dead, rather than drawing a fat wage for barely fucking existing!
Finally, King Charles has issued an oblique rebuttal to Earl Spencer, whose memoirs are being serialised. Spencer alleged that Charles told him in a heated phone call after Diana’s death that ‘Rest assured, we’ll forget her soon enough’.
You fucking know what? In a fucking way, he was right. No twat under the age of about 50 gives a shit about Diana, or thinks about her! Ultimately she was there to give a desperately ailing institution a modern fucking gloss that it couldn’t fucking handle, but she did piss all to impress herself on the minds of anyone born in the 21st century! She may as well have been fucking Mary of Teck! You’re worried that soon enough we won’t just have forgotten about her but you as well, Charles, you capillary-nosed tosser! And you, Earl Spencer, notable for fuck all except being angry at the fucking Royal family! Death by irrelevance to the fucking lot of you, you gilded fucking parasites!
