HAVE well-meaning people tried to debunk the sex myths you grew up with? Throw their lies back into their rationalist faces, because each of these is an actual fact: 

You can get pregnant from a toilet seat

It is scientifically proven, though not in any biological sense, that if a man ejaculates onto a toilet seat and a fertile woman innocently sits on it, those resourceful sperms will swim right up her legs and into the vagina and the egg. And men, those filthy f**kers, ejaculate onto toilet seats all the time.

The pull-out method works

Did you know that the pull-out method worked as effective contraception right up until the invention of condoms? That’s why so many medieval families were so small, often with only two or three surviving children. Anything you hear otherwise is just propaganda bought and paid for by Durex lobbyists. He does have to actually pull out though.

Porn is an accurate depiction of sex

Porn may not be entirely realistic – not every caller to a home is rewarded with sex, and being trapped does not make all women horny – but the basics are there. Most women do come from indifferent thrusting, they all love anal, and their noises of pleasure are indistinguishable from the frantic yelps of a Pomeranian being crushed under a sofa cushion.

Contraception is the woman’s responsibility

While the pull-out method is infallible, ultimately it falls on the woman to ensure she doesn’t become pregnant. Men don’t possess the critical thinking skills to know if they want children, do not understand how condoms work and prefer to leave the hard decisions in the hands of women because they at least like babies.

Bigger is better

Sorry, lads. It’s always been true. Size does matter and studies have shown that massive cocks are always the way to go. Women need that length and girth to reach the sexiest parts of the vagina, and yours has never, ever satisfied her. Luckily dildos are inexpensive and come in a range of colours.

Penetration is the only real sex

Rumours have been spread that ‘oral’ sex still counts as sex, and that even giving your boss a handjob has sexual connotations. But don’t be fooled. The only true act of sex is the insertion of one penis into one vagina and/or bumhole. Anything else is just foreplay.